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Gingrich, Cain met at Mardi Gras to discuss buddy cop film, sources say

2/22/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - PTP's Hollywood bureau received anonymous tips from multiple sources yesterday and today that current GOP presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich and former GOP contender Herman Cain had both spent several hours together in New Orleans. We've been told that they spent nearly three full hours hanging out in NOLA, putting down beers and local cuisine while tossing beads at everything with two legs and a pulse.

But they weren't allegedly there to discuss a possible joint GOP ticket, nor were they there to get sloshed and stare at boobs, though both reportedly did so almost religiously. Our sources tell us that they actually met to discuss teaming up to make a buddy cop film together, and from what we've been told, their meeting went pretty well.

“They've got Jerry Bruckheimer onboard producing, Michael Bay has agreed to direct it, and they have a pretty awesome cast coming together for it as well,” said one of our sources. “Gingrich wanted to do the whole thing through his crappy `media company,' which basically meant he'd do the whole movie on a $10 budget while taking in $37 million for himself. But, he might approach Mitt Romney for the dough, promising to drop out of the race in exchange for a production budget.”

Our sources claim that Gingrich and Cain are planning a string of meetings and book signings in Hollywood sometime in mid-March, shortly after Gingrich is decimated on Super Tuesday and finally realizes he doesn't have a hope in hell of catching up in the delegate count.

But what about the script? One source filled us in on the details. “It's going to star Gingrich and Cain as two aging cops who decide to go on a righteous-spree right before their retirements. They'll be kicking in the doors of abortion clinics, slapping unemployment checks out of the hands of struggling parents, ripping condoms off of teenagers while flirting with their scantily-clad dates, and I'm just floating this, but I'm pretty sure we'll see at least a couple of mosques blow up in the process. It should be an action-packed thrill-ride, which is funny, because I also hear that Herman Cain refers to his, you know, by the same name!” Comments

Hitler hears Santorum compare him to Obama and he is pissed 2/22/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Presidential Candidate Rick Santorum's recent comments comparing President Obama to Adolph Hitler have caused outrage amongst Jewish groups, Democratic circles and even the former Dictator himself is reported to be upset. Pardon the Pundit's sources in Hell have r... Read More & Comments

The transcript from Newt Gingrich's harrowing campaign-related 911 call 2/21/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - PTP anonymously received a transcript of a 911 call placed this morning in Mesa, Arizona. The brief call was confirmed by caller ID (yeah, 911 uses it, too!) to have come from the hotel room of none other than GOP presidential primary hopeful Newt Gingrich. Let's... Read More & Comments

Sweater vest factory explosion leaves many suspecting Romney of election tampering 2/20/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A Topeka, Kansas factory belonging to Really Gay Sweaters Inc., whose owners assured us by telephone that their name means “happy, not the other thing,” exploded this afternoon in a fireball of polyester, wool, and poor fashion sense. It was the only factory in th... Read More & Comments

Ron Paul actually means all that bat shit crazy stuff 2/20/2012 7:05 AM Floyd Harden - Ron Paul told a crowd of stunned supporters today that if he is elected President, he will actually do all of those crazy things he has spent the last several months on the campaign trail promising he would do. The Texas Congressman’s shocking announcement caused ... Read More & Comments

President Obama proposing nap-based energy policy tomorrow, sources say 2/19/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Anonymous sources inside the White House have revealed today that President Obama will be announcing tomorrow a new energy policy in the United States, with an executive order due to be signed by week's end, which will, in theory, improve energy efficiency througho... Read More & Comments

Occupy super PAC to fund key costs of the movement, like drum heads and rolling papers 2/18/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Occupy Alabama's John Paul Thornton has recently filed to begin the “Occupy Wall Street super PAC,” a move that Thornton claims was inspired by Stephen Colbert's creation of a super PAC called “Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow.” Occupiers lambasted the mo... Read More & Comments

CNN cancels GOP debate after Nancy Grace accuses candidates of murder 2/18/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - CNN host Nancy Grace has inspired the cancellation of a GOP primary debate scheduled for March 1st, just ahead of Super Tuesday, after she accused all four Republican candidates of murdering various infants and pop stars. Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, and Rick Santorum a... Read More & Comments

NJ Democrats hide gay marriage bill in cheeseburger, hope to avoid Chris Christie veto 2/17/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Lawmakers in the State of New Jersey voted on Thursday to legalize gay marriage in the State, with a vote in the State Assembly coming out favorably at 42-33, which isn't strong enough to override a veto by Governor Chris Christie, who said he plans to veto the bil... Read More & Comments

Pentagon releases keyhole satellite photos of Iranian ACME facilities 2/16/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Moments ago, the Pentagon released keyhole satellite images of a new construction program being undertaken by the Iranian government. But surprisingly, the images don't show hard water reactors for building nukes, or chemical plants, or munitions stockpiles. They... Read More & Comments

Payroll tax cut deal reached after Democrats promise unborn children to Republicans 2/16/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - After eons of debate and tactical political posturing, Democrats and Republicans finally struck an eleventh-hour deal last night on the extension of the now-infamous payroll tax cuts, with the Chairman of House Ways and Means David Camp (R-MI) working with Senate F... Read More & Comments

GOP candidates' wives blast Michelle Obama for wearing a dress from Target 2/15/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - First Lady Michelle Obama landed some press attention recently when she wore a dress purchased from Target, costing a mere $39.99. This has sent the wives of all four GOP presidential hopefuls into a tailspin, as they've organized press conferences to criticize he... Read More & Comments

Glenn Beck arrested after attempting to date-rape the US Constitution 2/14/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Conservative radio Sasquatch Glenn Beck was arrested in Washington DC this afternoon when Park Police allegedly caught him attempting to slip rufinol into the display case of the United States Constitution at the National Archives. Beck is being held without bond ... Read More & Comments

GOP Congresswomen admit they support the Ryan plan because he is hot 2/14/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - When Congressman Paul Ryan released his plan to overhaul the Medicare program, it received overwhelming support from female lawmakers. The real reason was revealed today; they find him "hot." Pardon the Pundit was able to score invitations to a closed press lunch... Read More & Comments

Coffeegate! 2/13/2012 3:05 PM Floyd Harden - Seeking to capitalize on his victory in the Maine caucuses and his endorsement by the conservative activist group, CPAC, a reinvigorated Mitt Romney returned to the campaign trail yesterday only to find himself once again immersed in hot water. But this time, the ... Read More & Comments

Romney defends himself against accusations of collusion with Maine GOP 2/12/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney, who won the Maine caucuses not long after PTP told you that would happen, has found himself on the defensive today after elements of Ron Paul's cult-like following have accused Romney of collusion with the Maine Republican party, some e... Read More & Comments

Larry the Lobster wins every delegate in Maine caucus 2/12/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - For the first time in the history of the United States, and only the third time in world history, a crustacean has managed to win a human election. Larry, an American lobster weighing in at a little more than 2 lbs, is 36 years old, making him one of the youngest ... Read More & Comments

Zombie Reagan storms CPAC stage before being gunned down by Sarah Palin 2/11/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The GOP was stunned and horrified earlier today after former President and Conservative messiah Ronald Reagan clawed his way out of his grave this morning, hijacking an airplane in California and flying it to Washington DC. President Reagan reportedly stopped at a... Read More & Comments

Candidates brag at CPAC about “who can beat Obama the hardest” 2/10/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - With the 2012 GOP primary season being one of the most fiercely fought in contemporary history, the Conservative Political Action conference, or “CPAC,” is being looked at as a major battleground where three of the four remaining candidates can try to prove why the... Read More & Comments

PTP predicts Romney will win Maine due to lobsters, remoteness 2/10/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - No one can be certain what might happen in Maine this weekend, when the heated 2012 GOP primary season makes its way to the caucuses in the Pine Tree State. Will Santorum keep up his momentum and score big in lobster country? Will Newt Gingrich take on his third ... Read More & Comments

President Obama calls in SEAL Team Six to fight contraception battle 2/9/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - With debate regarding the White House's health care contraception mandate spreading like genital warts, President Obama has been struggling to keep the Democratic party onboard, without further radicalizing the right. But he may have found the ultimate tool that c... Read More & Comments

Gingrich switches stance on birth control mandate, explains why he now favors it 2/8/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich became the first GOP presidential primary contestant to openly endorse the Obama Administration's regulation that requires all health insurance providers, including disapproving Catholic groups, to provide coverage for birth contr... Read More & Comments

GOP voters “scared to death” by gay marriage court ruling, vote for Santorum in droves 2/8/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum pulled off three huge wins last night after GOP voters flocked to the two caucuses and one primary scheduled then. Exit polling showed that Conservative voters were overwhelmingly terrified by yesterday's Federal appeals c... Read More & Comments

Santorum cries, kicks feet after court rules in favor of gay marriage 2/7/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum lashed out this afternoon against today's Federal appeals court ruling that says California's ballot-initiated ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional. Santorum, who has lost steadily throughout the primaries since his incr... Read More & Comments

Lana Del Ray song causes Gingrich supporters to lose bowel control at event 2/6/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A “Grassroots Rally” in Colorado for GOP primary contender Newt Gingrich ended disastrously earlier today when 241 rally-goers simultaneously ruined their pants, dresses, and skirts while listening to a song by embattled pop star Lana Del Ray.

Authorities re... Read More & Comments

Callista Gingrich reveals secret to perfect hair: bitterness 2/6/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Callista Gingrich, wife of presidential candidate and former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, admitted she had a secret weapon to keep her coif stiff and perfect: her husband's bitterness. She told a group of conservative women in Florida that nothing beats emot... Read More & Comments

Gingrich Campaign staff seen searching phone booths, digging through trash 2/5/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - February isn't going to be a kind month to the Newt Gingrich campaign. Recent reports indicate that the former House Speaker's campaign war chest hasn't merely dried up, but is a staggering $600,000 in the red, and throughout the month he'll be slammed repeatedly ... Read More & Comments

Despite prostitutes, strippers showing up in droves, Gingrich loses Nevada 2/4/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has failed to pull off a win in Nevada, losing the State to Mitt Romney despite record primary turnouts amongst prostitutes, exotic dancers, adulterers, and the other dregs of American society who gravitate to Nevada for reasons u... Read More & Comments

Ron Paul alive, rescued from bear by gay couple 2/4/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - GOP Presidential candidate Ron Paul, who was feared dead after being eaten whole by a bear on Wednesday, was rescued 40 miles east of Calgary, Canada this morning by an American gay couple vacationing at their ski home not far from the place where Paul, and the bea... Read More & Comments

243,000 new jobs created at unemployment offices, Mitt Romney's home renovations 2/3/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The economy is finally starting to show signs of letting up, after the unemployment rate dropped to 8.5% in December, and then 8.3% in January, with 243,000 jobs being added that month. However, the news might be a bit more grim than initial reports are letting on... Read More & Comments

Romney supporters bail after “wealthy people are doing fine” comment 2/2/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - This hasn't been the best week for GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney. Yesterday, during an interview with CNN's hottest anchor, Soledad O'Brien, Romney uttered the phrase “I'm not concerned about the very poor.” But today, one of his other comments from that same inter... Read More & Comments

With nearly three weeks until the next GOP debate, an anxious nation looks to C-Span to fill the void 2/2/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - It's been more than six months since the country had to wait more than six days between GOP presidential debates, and the upcoming dearth has left some searching for other things to watch and talk about.

"Every morning, I've gotten used to looking over at my... Read More & Comments

LIberal Washington, DC braces for conservative onslaught 2/1/2012 3:05 PM Alyson Durden - With the American Conservative Union conference (CPAC) only a week away, the very-liberal Washington, DC area is preparing itself for the mass influx of right-wing activists. The city has been called the most Democratic city in the nation. The mayor has already r... Read More & Comments

Despite mannequin protests, Gingrich fuming, Romney wins Florida 1/31/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney pulled off a major win in Florida today, capturing 50 delegates that put him in the lead for the GOP candidacy by a substantial margin. Romney landed this feat despite protests by mannequins throughout the State, who are a... Read More & Comments

Dems plan to take back the house by offering free stuff to voters on election day 1/31/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - House Democrats unveiled this morning a new plan to take back Congress from the Tea Party candidates that ousted them in 2010. Their innovative strategy will involve spending money not on mudslinging campaign ads or flashy websites, but rather by purchasing items ... Read More & Comments

Romney proposes solution to Internet piracy involving tax cuts, “Amish camp” 1/30/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney, campaigning heavily in the State of Florida earlier today, responded to a question from the media about Internet piracy by making a proposition on the subject, making him the first primary candidate to really discuss the subj... Read More & Comments

Miley Cyrus defends herself from right-wing criticism 1/29/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Miley Cyrus, the singer and actress made famous for her “Hannah Montana” character and the daughter of country music star Billy Ray Cyrus, is fighting back today after a right-wing organization called The Culture and Media Institute (also known as “CMI”) lambasted ... Read More & Comments

GOP candidates propose alternatives to Gingrich's moon colony idea 1/29/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - With former House Speaker Newt Gingrich falling in the polls, his rival GOP presidential candidates have latched onto his idea to build a moon colony, only each has offered a counter-proposal of their own. As the candidates duke it out ahead of the Florida primary... Read More & Comments

Birthers hold trial in Georgia, still oblivious to facts, common sense 1/28/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A group of Birthers (yes, they still exist) led by Queen Birther Orly Taitz, have taken their nonsensical arguments to a court room in Georgia, claiming that President Obama is making a mockery of the electorate while they themselves make a mockery of the justice s... Read More & Comments

Gingrich begs Sarah Palin to stop “helping” him 1/27/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP Presidential primary frontrunner Newt Gingrich has formally and publicly requested that former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin stop trying to help him win the election. The former House Speaker announced his request earlier today during a campaign stop i... Read More & Comments

Nancy Pelosi reveals secrets about Newt Gingrich in PTP exclusive 1/27/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi made headlines recently when she told CNN's John King that she knew something, a secret something, about fellow Former Speaker Newt Gingrich. The aftermath of that comment has been chock full of rumors, questions, and mystery. But... Read More & Comments

Romney's taxes provide further evidence that he's a mannequin 1/26/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who has for years now denied that he is a mannequin manufactured in Detroit, Michigan by the Sears Roebuck company, may have finally been comprehensively outed by a few pages of conspicuous tax write-offs released by his camp... Read More & Comments

Republicans fire back with party accomplishments after State of the Union 1/25/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - 24 hours after President Obama delivered what most on the left, and even many on the right, are calling his best State of the Union Address to date, many have been touting the President's list of achievements since taking office. Hoping to counter the hefty moment... Read More & Comments

President Obama says “we aren't in decline” as lights go out, pipe bursts 1/25/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama delivered his third State of the Union address last evening, touching on points ranging from jobs, to green energy, to infrastructure, to banking reform, to civil rights. And in the midst of what many analysts are calling his greatest State ... Read More & Comments

Huge teleprompter failure will force President Obama to “wing it” during State of the Union 1/24/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Capitol Hill technicians worked feverishly in the past hour to repair severe damage to the teleprompter system in the Capitol Building, where President Obama is due to deliver his State of the Union address to Congress at 9 PM this evening. The FBI is investigatin... Read More & Comments

NASCAR driver surges in Florida primary poll 1/23/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - 2011 NASCAR champion Tony Stewart has somehow managed to take the lead in a different sort of race than he's typically accustomed... the 2012 GOP presidential primary. Stewart, who declined a visit to the Obama White House in September of last year due to scheduli... Read More & Comments

Jon Favreau Commits Grammatical Error, Perry Camp Pounces 1/23/2012 7:05 AM Will Daring - President Obama's Director of Speechwriting Jonathan Favreau was the target of heavy criticism this morning when evidence surfaced that he had recently dangled a participle. Speaking on condition of anonymity for he and his colleagues, former Rick Perry adviser Cur... Read More & Comments

Polling numbers for Hell primary show massive lead for Ron Paul 1/22/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A new CNN/ PPP/ NBC/ CBS/ BBC/ KFC poll shows that for the first time in the 2012 primary season, Ron Paul has a very substantial lead in one of the most hotly-contested, if not simply “the hottest,” primary battlegrounds: Hell.

The poll shows Ron Paul cr... Read More & Comments

Gingrich wins SC after endorsement from Romney's caveman son 1/21/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has clinched a decisive victory in South Carolina tonight after one of Mitt Romney's sons came out in favor of the GOP presidential candidate earlier this week. Tor Romney, Mitt Romney's oldest child, stumped for Gingrich after R... Read More & Comments

Gingrich discusses “open marriage” claim, redefines traditional marriage 1/21/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who came under fire recently when his ex-wife, Marianne Gingrich, said that her ex-husband “lacks the moral character to be President,” defended his stance that he never asked his wife for an “open marriage,” while speaking with ... Read More & Comments

Iowa split decision causes Romney breakdown 1/20/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Mitt Romney’s campaign setback caused the candidate to do something many had suspected was impossible today -- show human emotion. The candidate was caught off-guard by a report that he did not actually win the Iowa caucus by eight votes as had previously thought,... Read More & Comments

Perry drops out, endorses Gingrich after being tortured with reading 1/19/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Authorities in South Carolina confirmed today that Texas Governor Rick Perry had been kidnapped earlier this week by forces unknown. The GOP primary candidate was reportedly tortured during his time in captivity, but suffered only minor physical injuries (bumps an... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin endorses Gingrich, “because he couldn't win, either” 1/18/2012 8:05 PM Staff - Former half-term Governor and alleged former Glen Rice mistress Sarah Palin, who also at one time ran for the Vice President slot on John McCain's 2008 presidential ticket, has come out in support of GOP primary wannabe Newt Gingrich today, telling South Carolinian... Read More & Comments

Gov. Walker recall gets more signatures than the population of Wisconsin 1/18/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Governor Scott Walker, who sparked tremendous controversy last year after pushing through state legislation that laid collective bargaining rights to waste, is now facing the guillotine after Wisconsin Democrats collected one million signatures to oust the embattle... Read More & Comments

Wikipedia to join anti- SOPA blackouts; students worried about homework 1/17/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - In protest of the “Stop Online Piracy Act,” better known as SOPA, Wikipedia has announced that they'll be shutting down for 24 hours on Wednesday, January 18th 2012. The site is closing its doors as a part of an ever-growing blackout in protest of the controversia... Read More & Comments

Kansas House Speaker says he named the wrong psalm, doesn't want the President to die 1/16/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Kansas House Speaker Mike O'Neal was forced to hold a special press conference this morning to address the growing outrage over his recent emailing shenanigans, where the Republican quoted psalm 109:8 while directly referencing President Obama. The text of that co... Read More & Comments

Jon Huntsman fails to win Golden Globe, abandons presidential run 1/16/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman, who ran and kept running in the GOP primary for reasons that only God and Rupert Murdoch fully understand, has finally decided to quit embarrassing himself and drop out of the 2012 race. Huntsman, who gave a scoop to... Read More & Comments

Judge denies Virginia primary ballot challenges, says candidates “don't have a shot anyway” 1/15/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - US District Judge John Gibney has ruled that Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, and Jon Huntsman will not get to appear on ballots in the State of Virginia, after the GOP primary quartet filed a joint lawsuit to allow them on.

“I laughed, reviewed the... Read More & Comments

Jesus lets the cat out of the bag, reveals Romney-themed Tebow prank before tonight's big game 1/14/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Football star and famed Jesus Christ stalker Tim Tebow is in for a pretty big surprise tonight when he prays to his Lord and Savior right before his big game against the New England Patriots. Jesus' biggest fan will be the victim of an elaborate prank later today ... Read More & Comments

DJ Qualls to portray Ron Paul in new comedy-biography film 1/13/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Hollywood actor DJ Qualls, who is best known for his roles in the films “Road Trip,” “The New Guy,” “The Core,” “Hustle & Flow,” and “Delta Farce,” will take on the identity of GOP primary contender Ron Paul in an upcoming film about the Texas Congressman's life. ... Read More & Comments

Thousands of convicts released from prisons as Governors prank each other 1/13/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour, who bizarrely and suddenly pardoned 215 prisoners before leaving office on January 10th of this year, has apparently inspired at least 27 other Governors to follow suit. At this hour, more than 8,450 prisoners have been r... Read More & Comments

Obama campaign exceeds 2011 fundraising goals, blows money on party 1/12/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The Obama campaign and the DNC raised a staggering $250 million in 2011 for the President's 2012 re-election bid, blowing past their goal of raising $200 million, done primarily through their grassroots fundraising efforts. The figure was quite impressive, proving... Read More & Comments

Vinny’s real reason to leave the “Jersey Shore” revealed; plans to run for president as an Independent 1/12/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Rumors had spread for months about "Jersey Shore" star Vinny Guadagnino’s future on the reality show as he was seen departing late one night from the set. While homesickness was given initially as the cause, sure, it was actually political ambition that sent him ... Read More & Comments

George Lucas hired to revamp Rick Perry campaign 1/11/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - May the force be with... Rick Perry? Hollywood living-legend George Lucas has been hired on by Perry's presidential campaign to revitalize the fledgling candidate's chances at winning the GOP primary, which was confirmed earlier today at a joint press conference h... Read More & Comments

Christine O’Donnell casts a spell on New Hampshire to insure Romney win 1/10/2012 8:05 PM Alyson Durden - Christine O’Donnell, the perennial Delaware candidate who denied being a witch during her most recent campaign for Vice President Joe Biden’s former Senate seat, has purportedly cast a spell on the State of New Hampshire to insure Mitt Romney will win the primary t... Read More & Comments

Bill Daley realizes his job is hard, steps down as White House Chief of Staff 1/10/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley issued a letter of resignation to President Obama yesterday afternoon, with media outlets reporting a rumor that Daley, 63, is returning to his native Chicago due to homesickness. However, insiders are claiming today that Dale... Read More & Comments

Romney to train for possible Obama debates with Pee-Wee Herman 1/9/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, who took heavy fire recently in the final debate before New Hampshire primary voting begins tomorrow but still has a healthy lead in the polls, has reached out to 80's icon and reborn-star Pee-Wee Herman to help him prepar... Read More & Comments

RNC Chair says “voters out, monkey in” 1/8/2012 8:05 PM Staff - RNC Chair Reince Priebus shocked the country today when he issued a statement that the party would ignore all caucus and primary results this year, and instead allow "Grandpa," an elderly Staten Island zoo spider monkey, pick the Republican presidential nominee. Read More & Comments

Syria Demands U.S. End "Brutal Repression" of Lawful Protesters 1/8/2012 7:05 AM Coyle - In a speech broadcasted throughout Syria yesterday, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad called on the United States to end its violent crackdown of Occupy Wall Street protesters, declaring that America should listen to the will of the people and become a more democrat... Read More & Comments

Illuminati allows Romney to finally surge, despite his utter lack of a personality 1/7/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The Illuminati, the dark and mysterious society that secretly rules the world, decided recently that Mitt Romney would be allowed to surge in the polls, adding yet another twist to what many are calling the most insane presidential primary in history. The arcane p... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain outed as PTP contributor 1/6/2012 8:05 PM Will Daring - A number of highly-repetitive article submissions sent to Pardon the Pundit Chief of Staff Matt Rock over the course of the last few months turned from a running joke about terrible writing into something much more, when IP tracing revealed the contributions to be ... Read More & Comments

Statues resembling Keith Olbermann, Glenn Beck discovered in Mayan ruins 1/6/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Archeologists have discovered what appears to be a statue of modern-day liberal television host Keith Olbermann buried amidst the ruins of Calakmul, an ancient Mayan city. Hours later, a different group of researchers, studying the nearby city of Tikal, uncovered ... Read More & Comments

Doctors announce Obama has finally grown a pair 1/5/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Physicians charged with the care of President Obama announced Thursday morning that the Commander in Chief has finally grown a pair, citing his recent recess appointments as solid medical evidence of the fact.

“The President came into office without having a... Read More & Comments

Sources claim Santorum's family voted for Romney, gave him the edge 1/4/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney's record-setting win in the Iowa caucuses last night, secured by a mere eight votes, may have been afforded to him from the most unlikely of sources: extended family members of his biggest current GOP rival, Rick Santorum. According to anonymous sourc... Read More & Comments

Santorum loses Iowa to Romney by 8 votes, santorums himself in public 1/4/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Early this morning, former Pennsylvania Senator and current GOP presidential primary contender Rick Santorum endured one of the most embarrassing accidents experienced by any candidate in the 2012 election season thus far, when he accidentally santorumed his pants ... Read More & Comments

Iran hires “Whale Wars” captain to deter American ships from Persian Gulf 1/3/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Mere hours after Iranian General Ataollah Salehi issued a vague, but stern, warning to the United States Navy, threatening unspecified action if the USS John C. Stennis, an aircraft carrier, returned to the Persian Gulf, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad follow... Read More & Comments

Police fight rioters as Iowans celebrate final night of GOP primary season 1/2/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - With the Iowa caucuses finally happening tomorrow, Iowans are taking their jubilation to the streets of their state tonight, celebrating with block parties and festivals that span from Clinton in the East, to some other city you've never heard of in the West.
Read More & Comments

Ron Paul faithful reveal 2016, 2020, 2024 contingency plans involving carbonite 1/2/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Ron Paul's cult-like worshipers have high hopes and expectations for the 2012 elections, believing his recent surge in the polls might result in his clinching the GOP nomination and, in turn, going all the way to win the general against President Obama in November.... Read More & Comments

Rick Santorum gets “wasted,” wakes up in bed next to a man 1/1/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Presidential candidate Rick Santorum, famous for his anti-homosexual tirades and strong opposition to anything resembling civil rights for the LGBT community, admitted moments ago that, as reports had previously indicated, the former Pennsylvania Senator woke up ea... Read More & Comments

White House jokingly invites Mitt Romney to New Year's Eve party 12/31/2011 8:05 PM Matt Rock - President Obama will be celebrating New Year's Eve at the White House with his family, staff, friends, and a number of delegates. But an unlikely guest was also invited to the celebrations at America's most famous residence... GOP presidential candidate and presum... Read More & Comments

Politicians' New Years resolutions revealed! 12/31/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock - 2011 was, well, let's just say an “interesting” year in American politics. The scandals, the name-calling, the bickering, the outlandishness of the comments we heard... this was a really good year for PTP to take shape, that's for sure! We thought we should close... Read More & Comments

Jon Huntsman offered Best Buy gift card by little girl who “feels bad” for him 12/30/2011 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Jon Huntsman's presidential campaign received a surprising and somewhat distressing contribution earlier today: a $50 gift card from an 11-year old New Hampshire girl who “feels bad” for the fledgling candidate. We piled into an ominous-looking windowless van and ... Read More & Comments

Bachmann compares Iowa State Chair’s defection to 9/11 12/29/2011 8:05 PM Alyson Durden - Michele Bachmann’s campaign was left reeling today after her Iowa Campaign Chairman, Kent Sorenson, quit to work for Ron Paul. Taking a cue from Newt Gingrich, who recently compared his failure to get on the ballot in Virginia, his home state, to Pearl Harbor, Bac... Read More & Comments

Court declares company that leases busses to GOP figures used dangerous chemicals 12/29/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock - A company that builds VIP tour busses and leases them with discounted rates to prominent Conservative figures was been charged today with twelve counts of knowingly using dangerous chemicals in their assembly lines, according to a judge in the company's home state ... Read More & Comments

Gingrich contemplates divorce after learning his wife isn't polling well 12/28/2011 5:15 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has admitted that he's been mulling over the possibility of divorcing his wife, Callista Gingrich, prior to the Iowa caucus on January 3rd, after pollsters discovered that she “isn't playing well” with likely GOP voters in hotly-c... Read More & Comments

Michigan Supreme Court allows woman to enter her cat in the 2012 Presidential race 12/27/2011 8:28 PM Matt Rock - A Lansing, Michigan woman is celebrating tonight after the Supreme Court in her state ruled in her favor, allowing her cat, “Mr. Snuffles,” to be added to the ballot as an independent candidate in the 2012 Presidential race. The woman, Alice Orville, 59, better kn... Read More & Comments

Gingrich goes global, starts world tour 12/27/2011 9:30 AM Alyson Durden - Freed from campaigning in Virginia, where he was unable to secure the required number of signatures to get on the GOP primary ballot, former Speaker of the House and current presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has announced he is planning campaign stops in Russia,... Read More & Comments

White House mailroom holiday goof-up nearly starts World War III 12/26/2011 4:10 PM Matt Rock - The White House is scrambling at this hour to resolve a major international crisis that was caused by a malfunctioning mailroom computer and a disgruntled former employee. PTP has just learned from trusted anonymous sources that the world was nearly engulfed in nuc... Read More & Comments

Billions celebrate the last Christmas on Earth 12/25/2011 9:37 PM Matt Rock - With the Mayans, the Hopi, Nostradamus, Hollywood, the “Bible code,” and new-age authors who smell like patchouli and think grass mulch can cure cancer all predicting that the world will end on December 21st, 2012, we here at PTP thought we'd take a moment to appre... Read More & Comments

Santa abandons Christmas deliveries after series of mishaps in United States 12/25/2011 9:55 AM Matt Rock - Santa Claus has completely abandoned billions of Christmas deliveries for the first time ever, after a lengthy list of problems plagued his legendary, world-famous annual flight while traveling through the United States late last evening. North Pole representative... Read More & Comments

Gingrich vows to deport Obama’s dog 12/24/2011 5:00 PM Alyson Durden - Not wanting to be outdone by Mitt Romney, who recently called for the deportation of President Obama’s uncle, Newt Gingrich has vowed to deport the “First Dog,” Bo.

“I don’t know much about dogs, but isn’t that dog a Portuguese Water Dog? What’s wrong with ... Read More & Comments

Former Edwards staffers form support group 12/23/2011 3:05 PM Alyson Durden - With reports out that disgraced former Senator and Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards has asked his mistress Rielle Hunter to move into his home -- the house he once shared with his late wife, Elizabeth -- some of his staffers have formed a support group. Th... Read More & Comments

Newt doubles down on judiciary pledge, questions the validity of the Constitiution 12/22/2011 8:05 PM Alyson Durden - Former Speaker of the House and current presidential candidate Newt Gingrich reiterated his view that the “judiciary must be made accountable.” On Saturday he held a conference call with Iowans in which he told them he would make Supreme Court Justices testify befo... Read More & Comments

GOP debates attacked by Sand People, bored to sleep by Ron Paul rant 2/21/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A GOP debate taking place in Mesa, Arizona tonight was attacked by a marauding horde of “Sand People,” A race of beings made famous from their appearances in the Star Wars movie franchise. The horde invaded the convention center, bashing away at Wolf Blitzer whom... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain spent President's Day pretending he was the President, sources say 2/21/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Numerous attendees at an Atlanta, Georgia, ballroom event claim that Herman Cain, the former GOP primary contender and fast food mogul known for his eccentric behavior, hosted a major event yesterday in which he not only pretended that he was the President of the U... Read More & Comments

Arizonans rehearse for outlandish behavior at tomorrow's GOP debate 2/20/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The State of Arizona has quite the reputation of insanity to live up to, and at tomorrow's televised CNN debate in Mesa, the Copper State plans on putting on quite the show. An “audience rehearsal” took place earlier today in a hotel conference room, and those who... Read More & Comments

Personhood Bills stir controversy 2/19/2012 8:05 PM Floyd Harden - The Personhood Bills currently making their way through the Oklahoma and Virginia State Legislatures may break ground in ways that result in some surprising, unintended consequences. The controversial bills, which would define a fertilized egg as a person, are int... Read More & Comments

Romney in Michigan to criticize auto bailout 2/19/2012 7:05 AM Floyd Harden - Mitt Romney is working hard to convince residents of Michigan that the Obama bailout of the auto industry was a mistake.

Speaking to a gathering of GM workers in Detroit yesterday, Romney said of the bailout, “It’s just one more example of big government g... Read More & Comments

Santorum defends Friess – calls for sex with consequences 2/18/2012 3:05 PM Floyd Harden - Rick Santorum chose not to bite the hand that feeds him today when he came to the defense of Foster Friess, a major Santorum supporter who has donated hundreds of thousands of dollars to Santorum’s Republican presidential primary effort. After Friess made a joke s... Read More & Comments

Pot plane was Iranian terror plot to get President Obama stoned, authorities claim 2/17/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A small Cessna airplane carrying forty pounds of marijuana wandered into the no-fly zone that surrounds President Obama on Thursday, buzzing so dangerously close to Marine One that two F-16 fighters were scrambled from March Air Reserve Base to intercept it. After... Read More & Comments

Romney's dog lands book deal, says being tied to the roof of a car was “nothing” 2/17/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - After a month of criticism and threats of legal action by animal rights groups and angry pet lovers everywhere, the Romney campaign has finally decided to allow Seamus – Romney's dog who is somehow 31 years old and still breathing – to tell his side of the story. ... Read More & Comments

Santorum puts women in their place 2/16/2012 3:05 PM Floyd Harden - Rick Santorum is showing no signs of wilting under the glare of the increased attention his candidacy has received since the candidate swept caucuses in three states and claimed the mantle of the anti-Romney conservative Republicans have been craving for months. O... Read More & Comments

Rick Santorum's mudslinging “Rombo” ad proves that he still hasn't used Google 2/15/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A new ad released by Rick Santorum's campaign shows a Mitt Romney lookalike running through an abandoned building, shooting “mud” at a cardboard cutout of Santorum with a paintball gun. But in the end, the gun backfires, and blasts a load of “mud” all over Romney.... Read More & Comments

Dennis Kucinich: “Stop confusing me with Ron Paul!” 2/15/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) has had his fill of strangers mistaking him for Congressman and GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul (R-TX). Kucinich called together a press conference an hour ago to address the issue, stating that people have approached him alm... Read More & Comments

Gingrich gets a Valentine’s Day surprise 2/14/2012 3:05 PM Floyd Harden - Newt Gingrich got a shock today when he discovered that the heart-shaped box of chocolates he received for Valentine’s Day came not from yet another fiscally-conservative, morally-progressive woman who hopes Gingrich’s wife Callista will be bitten by a lyme disease... Read More & Comments

Obama's $3.8 trillion budget for 2013 includes “corporate shock collars” 2/13/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - President Obama's administration unveiled a $3.8 trillion budget for fiscal year 2013 this morning, which aims to achieve $1.5 trillion in deficit reductions by raising taxes on the wealthy while also eliminating various corporate tax write-offs.

But the p... Read More & Comments

Gary Busey helps PTP predict Arizona primary results 2/13/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - With Arizona and Michigan holding the next GOP primaries, both on February 28th, PTP's senior writing staff gathered in my office late last night to discuss our predictions of what might happen next in this hectic GOP presidential primary. We all agree that Rick S... Read More & Comments

Presidential candidates react to news of Whitney Houston's untimely death 2/12/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The world was stunned late last night when it was learned that international pop superstar Whitney Houston passed away unexpectedly in her Beverly Hills hotel room. Tributes, affectionate messages, and words of sorrow have been pouring in through social media sour... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin announces exploratory committee for 2013 White House bid at CPAC 2/11/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who delivered the keynote address at CPAC this afternoon shortly after gunning down zombie Reagan from her private helicopter, revealed tonight her plans to form an exploratory committee for a possible presidential run.... Read More & Comments

Candidates flee the country after Chuck Norris endorses Newt Gingrich 2/11/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - GOP primary contenders Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, and Rick Santorum have gone missing in the past 24 hours, noting prior to their departures that they feared retribution from Chuck Norris if they continued to run after Norris endorsed Newt Gingrich for the GOP nominati... Read More & Comments

Santorum elaborates further on stance that women shouldn't be on front lines 2/10/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary hopeful Rick Santorum, hot off his trio of big wins in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota, commented earlier today about the Pentagon's announcement that they'll be allowing more women to serve in the military on the front lines, saying he doesn't believ... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin travels to wrong “CPAC” event, finds even crazier people 2/9/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who is set to deliver the keynote speech at the Conservative Political Action Conference (“CPAC”) this Saturday, flew to the wrong Washington today to speak on the wrong day at the wrong event, ending up in Seattle, Was... Read More & Comments

Supreme court braces for Prop 8 debate with “glitter detectors” 2/9/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - The United States Supreme Court is having security beefed up in anticipation of the likely gay marriage debate that will reach their halls in the near future. Anonymous sources who work for the US Park service are reporting that the Supreme Court building will und... Read More & Comments

Romney admits he's a mannequin, claims racism after major losses last night 2/8/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney, who remains in the lead even after handedly losing Colorado, Minnesota, and Missouri last night during the two caucuses and one primary that took place in those States, has entered damage control mode today, explaining why he fe... Read More & Comments

Obama tries to appeal to Right by taking super PAC money, becoming billionaire 2/7/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - President Obama, who is apparently the only person in America that doesn't realize that Republicans don't like him because he's him, is hoping to swing some red votes his way this November by appealing to the most attractive factor Mitt Romney has going for him: b... Read More & Comments

Michele Bachmann confident she'll win Minnesota caucus, despite no longer running 2/7/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, who dropped her presidential bid for the GOP nomination at the start of 2012 after poor results in Iowa, said earlier today that despite no longer running in the 2012 elections, having turned her efforts toward holding onto her Congr... Read More & Comments

Second crappy Ayn Rand movie slated for October 2012 release 2/6/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The producers of the terrible Ayn Rand movie released on tax day (April 15th) last year are hoping to follow up their poor box office performance with another slow, dry, feckless propaganda piece in October of 2012, just ahead of this year's elections.

How... Read More & Comments

Romney hosts Super Bowl party, bores a man to death 2/5/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney is being accused by the Boston Police department of involuntary manslaughter after a campaign staffer passed away earlier this evening from an apparent overdose of boredom at Romney's palatial home.

The victim, whom poli... Read More & Comments

Trump's Gingrich endorsement sends Vinny back to the Jersey Shore, nation rejoices 2/5/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Vinny Guadagnino abandoned his presidential bid and closed his exploratory committee after hearing that Donald Trump endorsed Newt Gingrich. The reality star went back to the "Jersey Shore" house. The news of his return caused spontaneous celebrations around the ... Read More & Comments

Heather Mills suggests US, UK marry wealthier countries to solve economic mess 2/4/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Former model Heather Mills, who famously divorced Sir Paul McCartney in 2006, may have single-handedly resolved the economic issues facing the United States and the United Kingdom, when during an interview with a British morning show she recommended that both count... Read More & Comments

Newt Gingrich tries singing his favorite song on stage, drops 20 points 2/3/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary contender Newt Gingrich bit off more than he could chew earlier today when he tried to sing – well, “sing-rap” – to an audience of his supporters at a campaign rally in Nevada. Gingrich, who tried following in the footsteps of President Obama and Mitt ... Read More & Comments

Trump endorses Mitt Romney for President, offers him a casino 2/3/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Real estate and reality TV mogul Donald Trump, visiting Las Vegas, Nevada for this weekend's annual convention for millionaires who've gone bankrupt more than twice, has formally announced his endorsement of GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney. This move has stunn... Read More & Comments

Gingrich abandons Presidential bid for a younger, healthier campaign 2/2/2012 3:05 PM Brian Vincenzo - Following a double-digit loss in the Florida primary, Newt Gingrich was dealt the devastating news that his campaign’s health was floundering. With a low delegate count, it would have been a long battle with debilitating poll numbers to get the campaign back to its... Read More & Comments

Romney: “I eat caviar out of a can like everyone else” 2/1/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney's relentless quest to come across as a regular American may have taken yet another wrong turn earlier today, when the extremely wealthy candidate fumbled repeatedly while trying to explain how normal he is. Romney, who admitted that he's “not concerned... Read More & Comments

Ron Paul eaten by bear, supporters keep running him anyway 2/1/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Congressman Ron Paul (R-TX) was devoured whole tonight by a stray Kodiak bear that managed to escape from a circus show in Reno, Nevada this morning. Paul, who traveled to Nevada in the hopes that he might somehow manage to win at least one of the primaries in the... Read More & Comments

Senate expected to finally be efficient, law-abiding under first female Parliamentarian 1/31/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Senate Parliamentarian Alan Frumin is retiring from his post today, and tomorrow, his senior assistant Elizabeth MacDonough is expected to take his seat. MacDonough will be the first woman to ever hold the position of Senate Parliamentarian, and Senators, historia... Read More & Comments

Twitter boycott fails for third day in a row after tweets about not tweeting surface 1/30/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Twitter users, many of whom don't appreciate it when you call them “twits,” are planning yet another attempt at boycotting Twitter by organizing to not tweet tomorrow, a move they hope will draw attention to Twitter's recent announcement that they can block entire ... Read More & Comments

Romney's terrible driving scoring big with likely primary voters in Florida 1/30/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney, who is a terrible driver just like everyone else that has ever lived in the State of Massachusetts for longer than three months, has been shown today to be polling extremely well with Floridian drivers who are also likely primary voters, according to a... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain endorses Newt Gingrich, hopes to form “secret league for secretive men” 1/29/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Herman Cain, who last week announced that he was endorsing “The American People” rather than picking a GOP presidential candidate to back, changed his position yesterday when he came out in support of primary contender Newt Gingrich, referring to the former House S... Read More & Comments

Oklahoma bill hopes to ban the use of aborted fetuses in food 1/28/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A bill introduced by State Senator Ralph Shortey of Oklahoma would, if passed, outlaw the sale of food containing aborted human fetuses. While Shortey and other proponents claim the bill is largely aimed at stem cell research involved in developing better artifici... Read More & Comments

Couple buys home, improves housing market by 438% 1/28/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Craig and Janice Meyers, 36 and 34 respectively, were shocked today when President Barack Obama personally called them to thank them for their massive contribution to the United States economy, which they made yesterday afternoon when they finalized the purchase of... Read More & Comments

GOP debate ends in beheadings, electrical storm 1/27/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The 1,287th GOP debate, which took place last evening, ended abruptly when all four candidates burst into an epic sword battle, screaming vulgarities back and forth as they hacked, slashed, and stabbed each other to pieces.

The battle began when former House... Read More & Comments

Gay barbarians lay siege to Michele Bachmann's congressional re-election bid 1/26/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former GOP presidential primary candidate Michele Bachmann has kicked off her re-election efforts to hold onto her congressional seat in Minnesota. But almost immediately after her announcement, a marauding horde of gay barbarians ransacked her unfinished campaign... Read More & Comments

House bill would require voters present golf clubs at polling stations 1/26/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - A new bill up for vote soon in the House of Representatives would require voters to present at least one golf club when they vote in the 2012 elections. The Republicans proposing the bill claim it is designed to curb voter fraud, because illegal aliens most likely... Read More & Comments

Rick Santorum's “Conservatives Unite Moneybomb” sticks to entire campaign 1/25/2012 3:05 PM Staff - GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum, who is still battling Google over the hilarious practical joke played on him by Dan Savage in the search engine's results, recently wheeled out a fundraising campaign on his website called “Conservatives Unite Moneybomb,” w... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain's State of the Union rebuttal to talk about sanctity of marriage 1/24/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain will be delivering tonight's Tea Party rebuttal to President Obama's State of the Union Address, which is starting right now. Cain, who made headlines on Friday when he sang the “Pokemon” theme song to a group of Steph... Read More & Comments

PTP State of the Union Drinking Game 1/24/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - It may seem like the 2012 presidential elections should be over already, but we have nearly 11 months more to go. Knowing some of you might be tired of the endless barrage of campaign coverage, it’s not surprising that interest in this year’s State of the Union add... Read More & Comments

Rand Paul detained in Nashville after TSA claims toupee is living creature 1/23/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Senator Rand Paul (R-KY), son of GOP primary candidate Ron Paul, was detained by Transportation Security Administration officials in Nashville Tennessee this morning after refusing to remove his toupee, which Paul persists is his real hair. TSA officials accused P... Read More & Comments

Gingrich calls glitter-bombings “hate crimes” 1/22/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich spoke out today against the recent “glitter-bombing” of fellow GOP primary candidate Rick Santorum, labeling the instance a “hate crime” and demanding the assailants be punished to the fullest extent of the law. Santorum was glit... Read More & Comments

Santorum paid people to “look supportive” after SC speech, sources claim 1/22/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former Pennsylvania Senator and hilarious Google search result Rick Santorum is making waves in headlines this morning after several members of the audience from his speech in South Carolina last night admitted that they were paid by the campaign to applaud him and... Read More & Comments

Poll shows 0% shock after Supreme Court has Texas redraw districts to favor GOP 1/21/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A new NBC/ PPP/ CBS/ KFC poll conducted in Texas has shown that 0% of the State's residents were surprised after the Supreme Court ordered a lower court to redraw congressional redistricting maps in the state, favoring Republicans rather than offering a fairer bala... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain confused by Stephen Colbert ad, schedules campaign stops in South Carolina 1/20/2012 3:05 PM Staff - Herman Cain, apparently confused by ads run by "Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow," has announced several campaign events throughout South Carolina ahead of the primary there on Saturday. The ads, run by Stephen Colbert’s super PAC, ask people to vote for ... Read More & Comments

Cain spotted in SC with Stephen Colbert's old beau days before huge primary “bump” 1/19/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former GOP primary candidate Herman Cain, who dropped out of the presidential race back in December amid a relentless slew of sexual misconduct and extramarital affair allegations, has experienced a huge surge in South Carolina's primary after Comedy Central's radi... Read More & Comments

Romney's secret tax returns reveal multiple wives, beer 1/19/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney, who throughout the campaign has dodged and flatly denied releasing documents that might reveal information about his earnings and expenses, has finally come clean to the media about his highly-secretive taxes, which have been at... Read More & Comments

Obama considers promoting SOPA bill after Biden joins blackout, tapes mouth shut 1/18/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama is said to be considering at this hour a polar shift on his position regarding the controversial “Stop Online Piracy Act,” better known as the “SOPA bill,” which he previously came out against. The President is allegedly mulling over a near-... Read More & Comments

Michelle Obama celebrates 48th with tasteless food, treadmills 1/17/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - First Lady Michelle Obama, who is currently celebrating her 48th birthday at a special party hosted in the White House's East Room, has managed to drive away at least 70% of her invited guests by rolling out a “health-themed dinner party” moments prior to the event... Read More & Comments

PTP staff misses SC debate, uses guesswork, fancy technology to report how it went 1/17/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - For the second time in this hectic 2012 primary season, PTP's staff managed to completely miss a GOP debate, after staff writer Alyson Durden broke our television watching several episodes of “Jersey Shore” that she'd saved to our DVR. We tried watching the debate... Read More & Comments

Romney: Bain was “eagle capitalism," not “vulture capitalism” 1/16/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney has been taking heavy fire from both Republicans and Democrats after it was revealed that Romney, while CEO of Bain Capital, took to using shady business practices to turn a buck. That, coupled with Romney's recent comment that ... Read More & Comments

Jesus pulls off Tebow prank; athlete to begin volunteer work for Romney campaign 1/15/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Jesus Christ, who revealed his plan to prank American football star Tim Tebow yesterday morning on an Italian talk show, joyously bragged that his stunt had worked flawlessly while appearing on a Sunday morning talk show in Rio de Janeiro today. According to Jesus... Read More & Comments

Fox News responds to Stephen Colbert's primary run with less-funny run of their own 1/14/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert may have bitten off more than he can chew on Thursday night when he, joined by his lawyer and Jon Stewart, announced that he was running for President in South Carolina. Now, a second comedian is entering the 2012 race, only this o... Read More & Comments

Governor Brownback Calls Kansas Teen "Poopy Head" on Twitter 1/14/2012 7:05 AM Coyle - Kansas Governor Sam Brownback took to Twitter yesterday after a Kansas high school student refused to retract a controversial tweet in which she wrote that she had "just made mean comments at gov. Brownback and told him he sucked."

After refusing to apologiz... Read More & Comments

President Obama hopes to save money, stop apocalypse by combining agencies 1/13/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Obama announced today that he'll be asking Congress for the authority to combine various government agencies together, with the intention of cutting down on bureaucracy and improving efficiency. But according to a few White House insiders that are on the... Read More & Comments

GE Corporation arrested for DUI, public indecency 1/12/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - General Electric (NYSE: GE) was arrested earlier this evening, charged with both driving under the influence and public indecency. The American multinational corporation, who was visiting its hometown of Schenectady, New York for a high school reunion, was brought... Read More & Comments

Pardon the Pundit LIVE Political Satire at in Downtown DC Feb 24th and 25th 1/12/2012 8:04 AM Staff - Enjoy an evening of fresh hysterical political humor from the DC Area’s edgiest political theater company. Pardon the Pundit (PTP) is a political comedy theater company and political satire publication based in Washington DC. Not affiliated with any party, PTP make... Read More & Comments

Michelle Obama angry about her portrayal in new book as an angry person 1/11/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - First Lady Michelle Obama erupted explosively this afternoon, according to numerous witnesses, after having read only a few pages of the new book written by New York Times writer Jodi Kantor that portrays her as an angry woman.

“We were taking a guided tour ... Read More & Comments

Huntsman wins New Hampshire primary, wakes up from nap, goes on soda bender 1/11/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Jon Huntsman narrowly defeated all of his Republican rivals last night to clinch a win in New Hampshire's primary. His win was so massive and so devastating, in fact, that all of his GOP primary rivals dropped out of the race, except for Ron Paul, who won't even g... Read More & Comments

Democrats develop strategy to win back the House... of pancakes 1/10/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The DNC announced this morning a new strategy for winning back the House. No, not “that” house... they're devoting $11 million in campaign funds to taking back the International House of Pancakes in DC, where they used to frequent prior to the 2010 midterm electio... Read More & Comments

Huntsman gets Facebook friend #12 in ramp-up to New Hampshire primary 1/9/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Moments ago, GOP presidential candidate Jon Huntsman banked his twelfth Facebook friend, when Sally G. Romero, 14, of Somerset New York, accepted one of the 7,219,432 friend requests Huntsman has sent out during the course of his campaign.

“What a glorious d... Read More & Comments

Images of Michele Bachmann love child surface 1/9/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - The picture shown alongside this article might look familiar to you. Look closely. Doesn't she look like someone famous? That's because she's the secret love child of none-other than Michele Bachmann. The toddler's picture has been released by the baby's father... Read More & Comments

Ron Paul wrestles tiger, saves a princess and other hostages; media still doesn't care 1/8/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A group of terrorists from Kyrgyzstan, which neighbors Tajikistan and Ubeki-beki-beki-stan-stan, launched an attack earlier today on US soil, raiding a hotel in New Hampshire in an attempt to capture an unidentified Saudi princess. They would have gotten away with... Read More & Comments

New book probably claims Michelle beats Barack; PTP not allowed to read it yet 1/7/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A new book due out on Tuesday, written by Jodi Kantor of the New York Times, alleges that Michelle Obama dominates over her husband and makes more household decisions than many might realize. The author even makes claims of domestic abuse, or so we assume, because... Read More & Comments

Bachmann, Palin on Cornell University “time cloak”: NOW they come up with that! 1/7/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - An incredible discovery at Cornell University in upstate New York has led to the invention of the world's first “time cloak,” a device that can temporarily divert visible light, delaying it long enough to “freeze time” and make all of the events in the affected are... Read More & Comments

GOP issues letter to business owners urging them to stop hiring 1/6/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - With unemployment dropping to its lowest point in three years, and some analysts predicting continued drops straight through 2012, the economy is finally starting to show signs of a turn-around. But while most Americans view this as a good thing, the GOP is asking... Read More & Comments

Aliens invade Washington DC, but this is satire, so it never happened 1/5/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Billions of people around the globe would be terrified tonight after aliens invaded Washington DC, demanding they be taken to our leader, if in fact Pardon the Pundit weren't a political satire website, because this never actually happened.

“Oh my god! Alie... Read More & Comments

Gingrich announces "0-0-0 Plan" 1/5/2012 7:05 AM Coyle - Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich released his new policy agenda yesterday, highlighted by a new economic plan that he hopes will revive his campaign as the primaries move forward.

Called the "0-0-0 Plan," Gingrich is hoping to piggyback on for... Read More & Comments

Jesus instructs Bachmann to suspend her campaign 1/4/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann has decided to suspend her 2012 presidential campaign. Bachmann, who finished with an embarrassing 5% of the caucus votes in her home State of Iowa when the final votes were tallied at about 1:30 am this morning, seemed det... Read More & Comments

Obama wins big in 2012 DNC Iowa Caucuses 1/3/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama has deftly, resoundingly, staggeringly laid his Democratic Party rivals to waste tonight, scoring a triumphant triumph over everyone who stood against him in the Iowa caucuses. His amazing 100% win has presumably left his GOP rivals quiverin... Read More & Comments

President Obama faces last-minute caucus challenge from Rick Perry 1/3/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - While the GOP primary is far from being decided, with the Iowa caucuses starting tonight at 7pm local time, President Obama has cruised through the process without any opposition... until now. Texas Governor and fallen GOP primary star Rick Perry, who used to be a... Read More & Comments

“Run it up the flagpole day” confuses most GOP candidates 1/2/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A January 2nd pseudo-holiday known as “run it up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes it day,” traditionally intended as a day where people are encouraged to dish up the best their creativity has to offer and make suggestions at their workplace to kick off the ne... Read More & Comments

Gingrich experiences New Years shenanigans similar to “Hangover” films 1/1/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The presidential campaign of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich is racing at this hour to put a positive spin on what many pundits are already calling “The Gingrich Hangover,” after New Year's celebrations gone awry led the falling GOP star on a cross-country adven... Read More & Comments

President Obama secretly saves America in covert Times Square operation 1/1/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - PTP has confirmed this morning that President Obama literally saved America last night, when terrorist sleeper cells made an effort to detonate a WMD in Times Square that would have caused a chain reaction, inevitably wiping out almost the entire population of the ... Read More & Comments

Koch Brothers cancel “New Year's seal clubbing” event for first time since 1989 12/31/2011 3:05 PM Matt Rock - David and Charles Koch, more famously known as the nefarious “Koch Brothers,” were forced to cancel one of the Koch family's most legendary time-honored traditions, their famed “New Year's Seal Clubbing” event, after a group of tree-hugging animal rights terrorists... Read More & Comments

PTP is 75% sure our polling data predicts the 2012 elections with 100% accuracy 12/30/2011 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The numbers are finally in! After spending $12 million and a cumulative 14,200 hours polling over two-million likely American voters, Pardon the Pundit is finally ready to reveal to you the most accurate polling ever conducted during a Presidential race, in histor... Read More & Comments

A Democrat you've never heard of resigns his Senate seat in a state you've never been to 12/30/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Senator Ben Nelson (D-NE) is resigning his seat in 2012, sources say. PTP was able to confirm this morning that Ben Nelson really is an actual person, and that Nebraska, a State where nothing interesting has ever happened, really does have Senators and Congresspeo... Read More & Comments

Bachmann's Iowa Chairman leaves her, refuses to accept mix tapes 12/29/2011 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Michele Bachmann's presidential campaign suffered a serious blow today when Kent Sorenson, Bachmann's Iowa campaign Chairman and her only hope at polling in the Iowa caucuses with some small sliver of dignity, abandoned ship and swam to the Ron Paul campaign. We c... Read More & Comments

Santorum campaign accepts “unsavory” corporate contributions 12/28/2011 9:01 PM Matt Rock - With primary voting starting next month, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum's struggling presidential campaign has found itself accepting contributions from any source willing to dish them up. But a new surge in funds from a wide range of corporate sponsors... Read More & Comments

Florida unveils new voting machine ahead of 2012 primaries 12/28/2011 9:22 AM Matt Rock - State election officials in Florida announced this morning a new polling machine that they claim will make the state's infamous ballot-counting issues a thing of the past. The revolutionary new device, developed by a think-tank funded almost entirely by Halliburto... Read More & Comments

Iowa builds time machine, pushes back caucuses to three months ago 12/27/2011 3:15 PM Matt Rock - In an effort to intentionally complicate the madness surrounding the 2012 GOP primary race even further, Iowa election officials announced this morning that they will hold their caucuses not on January 3rd of 2012 as was previously announced, but three months ago f... Read More & Comments

“Make it Stop” protests erupt throughout the country 12/26/2011 8:59 PM Alyson Durden - Inspired by both the Occupy and Tea Party movements, protests have sprung up in cities throughout the midwest and northern east coast -- cities close to, but not in, states where the first primaries and caucuses will be held such as Chicago, Milwaukee, Minneapolis,... Read More & Comments

Rick Perry claims he confused “secede” with “succeed” 12/26/2011 9:26 AM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry did something this morning that Texas Governors rarely seem to do: he admitted he made a mistake. According to Perry, his fiery speech in 2009 where he threatened to secede Texas from the United States, an event that no media... Read More & Comments

John Boehner visited by “ghosts of House Speakers past” 12/25/2011 5:09 PM Matt Rock - Speaker of the House John Boehner reported early this morning that last evening, he was visited in his bed by three ghosts, each of whom took him on a different adventure that cumulatively exposed the error of his ways, and has made him completely reevaluate contem... Read More & Comments

Letters to Santa: Zombie Reagan 12/24/2011 9:05 PM Matt Rock - Why, hello there Santa!

I haven't asked you for anything these past few years, probably because I've been dead since 2004, but looking at the way things are going today in the United States, I figured I should claw out of my grave, devour a few of those “Occ... Read More & Comments

Letters to Santa: Herman Cain 12/23/2011 8:05 PM Alyson Durden - Santa,

First of all, thank you for helping me become so great. Between making Godfather’s Pizza the best pizza to come out of the Midwest and letting me hit on all the women I have ever worked with, you showed me I could do it all. My wife might still be a... Read More & Comments

Elves go on strike as North Pole outsources more jobs to China 12/23/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock - At this hour, PTP has confirmed reports that Santa's North Pole workshop has completely shut down production with less than 48 hours to go until Christmas morning, with the remnants of his elven staff on strike. The tiny magical humanoids are demanding that Santa ... Read More & Comments

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