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Couple buys home, improves housing market by 438%

1/28/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Craig and Janice Meyers, 36 and 34 respectively, were shocked today when President Barack Obama personally called them to thank them for their massive contribution to the United States economy, which they made yesterday afternoon when they finalized the purchase of a new home in Dover, Delaware.

“On behalf of a grateful nation, I would like to extend my deepest thanks,” said President Obama on Craig Meyers' voice mail. “Your purchase of a new home, the first such sale in two years, has given hope to a somber people and raises the spirits of Americans everywhere.”

The Meyers' purchased the Tudor-style home for $234,767 with the help of a mortgage through a small, local bank. Economists say that it was the first housing mortgage approved by the banking industry since an elderly couple in Toledo, Ohio traded their life savings and two of their grandchildren for one in November of 2009.

“We moved to Dover from Erie PA because my wife got a better job,” said Craig Meyers. “I found a better job here, too, after looking for a few days. I didn't think the economy was so bad that our purchasing a home would make it that much better, but you know, times are tough. Timothy Geithner called too, and he said I bumped the economy an additional 137% just by filling my gas tank for the drive from Erie to Dover! I'm just happy to do my part.” Comments

Gingrich begs Sarah Palin to stop “helping” him 1/27/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP Presidential primary frontrunner Newt Gingrich has formally and publicly requested that former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin stop trying to help him win the election. The former House Speaker announced his request earlier today during a campaign stop i... Read More & Comments

Nancy Pelosi reveals secrets about Newt Gingrich in PTP exclusive 1/27/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi made headlines recently when she told CNN's John King that she knew something, a secret something, about fellow Former Speaker Newt Gingrich. The aftermath of that comment has been chock full of rumors, questions, and mystery. But... Read More & Comments

Romney's taxes provide further evidence that he's a mannequin 1/26/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who has for years now denied that he is a mannequin manufactured in Detroit, Michigan by the Sears Roebuck company, may have finally been comprehensively outed by a few pages of conspicuous tax write-offs released by his camp... Read More & Comments

Republicans fire back with party accomplishments after State of the Union 1/25/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - 24 hours after President Obama delivered what most on the left, and even many on the right, are calling his best State of the Union Address to date, many have been touting the President's list of achievements since taking office. Hoping to counter the hefty moment... Read More & Comments

President Obama says “we aren't in decline” as lights go out, pipe bursts 1/25/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama delivered his third State of the Union address last evening, touching on points ranging from jobs, to green energy, to infrastructure, to banking reform, to civil rights. And in the midst of what many analysts are calling his greatest State ... Read More & Comments

Huge teleprompter failure will force President Obama to “wing it” during State of the Union 1/24/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Capitol Hill technicians worked feverishly in the past hour to repair severe damage to the teleprompter system in the Capitol Building, where President Obama is due to deliver his State of the Union address to Congress at 9 PM this evening. The FBI is investigatin... Read More & Comments

NASCAR driver surges in Florida primary poll 1/23/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - 2011 NASCAR champion Tony Stewart has somehow managed to take the lead in a different sort of race than he's typically accustomed... the 2012 GOP presidential primary. Stewart, who declined a visit to the Obama White House in September of last year due to scheduli... Read More & Comments

Jon Favreau Commits Grammatical Error, Perry Camp Pounces 1/23/2012 7:05 AM Will Daring - President Obama's Director of Speechwriting Jonathan Favreau was the target of heavy criticism this morning when evidence surfaced that he had recently dangled a participle. Speaking on condition of anonymity for he and his colleagues, former Rick Perry adviser Cur... Read More & Comments

Polling numbers for Hell primary show massive lead for Ron Paul 1/22/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A new CNN/ PPP/ NBC/ CBS/ BBC/ KFC poll shows that for the first time in the 2012 primary season, Ron Paul has a very substantial lead in one of the most hotly-contested, if not simply “the hottest,” primary battlegrounds: Hell.

The poll shows Ron Paul cr... Read More & Comments

Gingrich wins SC after endorsement from Romney's caveman son 1/21/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has clinched a decisive victory in South Carolina tonight after one of Mitt Romney's sons came out in favor of the GOP presidential candidate earlier this week. Tor Romney, Mitt Romney's oldest child, stumped for Gingrich after R... Read More & Comments

Gingrich discusses “open marriage” claim, redefines traditional marriage 1/21/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who came under fire recently when his ex-wife, Marianne Gingrich, said that her ex-husband “lacks the moral character to be President,” defended his stance that he never asked his wife for an “open marriage,” while speaking with ... Read More & Comments

Iowa split decision causes Romney breakdown 1/20/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Mitt Romney’s campaign setback caused the candidate to do something many had suspected was impossible today -- show human emotion. The candidate was caught off-guard by a report that he did not actually win the Iowa caucus by eight votes as had previously thought,... Read More & Comments

Perry drops out, endorses Gingrich after being tortured with reading 1/19/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Authorities in South Carolina confirmed today that Texas Governor Rick Perry had been kidnapped earlier this week by forces unknown. The GOP primary candidate was reportedly tortured during his time in captivity, but suffered only minor physical injuries (bumps an... Read More & Comments

Sarah Palin endorses Gingrich, “because he couldn't win, either” 1/18/2012 8:05 PM Staff - Former half-term Governor and alleged former Glen Rice mistress Sarah Palin, who also at one time ran for the Vice President slot on John McCain's 2008 presidential ticket, has come out in support of GOP primary wannabe Newt Gingrich today, telling South Carolinian... Read More & Comments

Gov. Walker recall gets more signatures than the population of Wisconsin 1/18/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Governor Scott Walker, who sparked tremendous controversy last year after pushing through state legislation that laid collective bargaining rights to waste, is now facing the guillotine after Wisconsin Democrats collected one million signatures to oust the embattle... Read More & Comments

Wikipedia to join anti- SOPA blackouts; students worried about homework 1/17/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - In protest of the “Stop Online Piracy Act,” better known as SOPA, Wikipedia has announced that they'll be shutting down for 24 hours on Wednesday, January 18th 2012. The site is closing its doors as a part of an ever-growing blackout in protest of the controversia... Read More & Comments

Kansas House Speaker says he named the wrong psalm, doesn't want the President to die 1/16/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Kansas House Speaker Mike O'Neal was forced to hold a special press conference this morning to address the growing outrage over his recent emailing shenanigans, where the Republican quoted psalm 109:8 while directly referencing President Obama. The text of that co... Read More & Comments

Jon Huntsman fails to win Golden Globe, abandons presidential run 1/16/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman, who ran and kept running in the GOP primary for reasons that only God and Rupert Murdoch fully understand, has finally decided to quit embarrassing himself and drop out of the 2012 race. Huntsman, who gave a scoop to... Read More & Comments

Judge denies Virginia primary ballot challenges, says candidates “don't have a shot anyway” 1/15/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - US District Judge John Gibney has ruled that Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, and Jon Huntsman will not get to appear on ballots in the State of Virginia, after the GOP primary quartet filed a joint lawsuit to allow them on.

“I laughed, reviewed the... Read More & Comments

Jesus lets the cat out of the bag, reveals Romney-themed Tebow prank before tonight's big game 1/14/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Football star and famed Jesus Christ stalker Tim Tebow is in for a pretty big surprise tonight when he prays to his Lord and Savior right before his big game against the New England Patriots. Jesus' biggest fan will be the victim of an elaborate prank later today ... Read More & Comments

DJ Qualls to portray Ron Paul in new comedy-biography film 1/13/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Hollywood actor DJ Qualls, who is best known for his roles in the films “Road Trip,” “The New Guy,” “The Core,” “Hustle & Flow,” and “Delta Farce,” will take on the identity of GOP primary contender Ron Paul in an upcoming film about the Texas Congressman's life. ... Read More & Comments

Thousands of convicts released from prisons as Governors prank each other 1/13/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour, who bizarrely and suddenly pardoned 215 prisoners before leaving office on January 10th of this year, has apparently inspired at least 27 other Governors to follow suit. At this hour, more than 8,450 prisoners have been r... Read More & Comments

Obama campaign exceeds 2011 fundraising goals, blows money on party 1/12/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The Obama campaign and the DNC raised a staggering $250 million in 2011 for the President's 2012 re-election bid, blowing past their goal of raising $200 million, done primarily through their grassroots fundraising efforts. The figure was quite impressive, proving... Read More & Comments

Vinny’s real reason to leave the “Jersey Shore” revealed; plans to run for president as an Independent 1/12/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - Rumors had spread for months about "Jersey Shore" star Vinny Guadagnino’s future on the reality show as he was seen departing late one night from the set. While homesickness was given initially as the cause, sure, it was actually political ambition that sent him ... Read More & Comments

George Lucas hired to revamp Rick Perry campaign 1/11/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - May the force be with... Rick Perry? Hollywood living-legend George Lucas has been hired on by Perry's presidential campaign to revitalize the fledgling candidate's chances at winning the GOP primary, which was confirmed earlier today at a joint press conference h... Read More & Comments

Christine O’Donnell casts a spell on New Hampshire to insure Romney win 1/10/2012 8:05 PM Alyson Durden - Christine O’Donnell, the perennial Delaware candidate who denied being a witch during her most recent campaign for Vice President Joe Biden’s former Senate seat, has purportedly cast a spell on the State of New Hampshire to insure Mitt Romney will win the primary t... Read More & Comments

Bill Daley realizes his job is hard, steps down as White House Chief of Staff 1/10/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley issued a letter of resignation to President Obama yesterday afternoon, with media outlets reporting a rumor that Daley, 63, is returning to his native Chicago due to homesickness. However, insiders are claiming today that Dale... Read More & Comments

Romney to train for possible Obama debates with Pee-Wee Herman 1/9/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, who took heavy fire recently in the final debate before New Hampshire primary voting begins tomorrow but still has a healthy lead in the polls, has reached out to 80's icon and reborn-star Pee-Wee Herman to help him prepar... Read More & Comments

RNC Chair says “voters out, monkey in” 1/8/2012 8:05 PM Staff - RNC Chair Reince Priebus shocked the country today when he issued a statement that the party would ignore all caucus and primary results this year, and instead allow "Grandpa," an elderly Staten Island zoo spider monkey, pick the Republican presidential nominee. Read More & Comments

Syria Demands U.S. End "Brutal Repression" of Lawful Protesters 1/8/2012 7:05 AM Coyle - In a speech broadcasted throughout Syria yesterday, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad called on the United States to end its violent crackdown of Occupy Wall Street protesters, declaring that America should listen to the will of the people and become a more democrat... Read More & Comments

Illuminati allows Romney to finally surge, despite his utter lack of a personality 1/7/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The Illuminati, the dark and mysterious society that secretly rules the world, decided recently that Mitt Romney would be allowed to surge in the polls, adding yet another twist to what many are calling the most insane presidential primary in history. The arcane p... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain outed as PTP contributor 1/6/2012 8:05 PM Will Daring - A number of highly-repetitive article submissions sent to Pardon the Pundit Chief of Staff Matt Rock over the course of the last few months turned from a running joke about terrible writing into something much more, when IP tracing revealed the contributions to be ... Read More & Comments

Statues resembling Keith Olbermann, Glenn Beck discovered in Mayan ruins 1/6/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Archeologists have discovered what appears to be a statue of modern-day liberal television host Keith Olbermann buried amidst the ruins of Calakmul, an ancient Mayan city. Hours later, a different group of researchers, studying the nearby city of Tikal, uncovered ... Read More & Comments

Doctors announce Obama has finally grown a pair 1/5/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Physicians charged with the care of President Obama announced Thursday morning that the Commander in Chief has finally grown a pair, citing his recent recess appointments as solid medical evidence of the fact.

“The President came into office without having a... Read More & Comments

Sources claim Santorum's family voted for Romney, gave him the edge 1/4/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Mitt Romney's record-setting win in the Iowa caucuses last night, secured by a mere eight votes, may have been afforded to him from the most unlikely of sources: extended family members of his biggest current GOP rival, Rick Santorum. According to anonymous sourc... Read More & Comments

Santorum loses Iowa to Romney by 8 votes, santorums himself in public 1/4/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Early this morning, former Pennsylvania Senator and current GOP presidential primary contender Rick Santorum endured one of the most embarrassing accidents experienced by any candidate in the 2012 election season thus far, when he accidentally santorumed his pants ... Read More & Comments

Iran hires “Whale Wars” captain to deter American ships from Persian Gulf 1/3/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Mere hours after Iranian General Ataollah Salehi issued a vague, but stern, warning to the United States Navy, threatening unspecified action if the USS John C. Stennis, an aircraft carrier, returned to the Persian Gulf, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad follow... Read More & Comments

Police fight rioters as Iowans celebrate final night of GOP primary season 1/2/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - With the Iowa caucuses finally happening tomorrow, Iowans are taking their jubilation to the streets of their state tonight, celebrating with block parties and festivals that span from Clinton in the East, to some other city you've never heard of in the West.
Read More & Comments

Ron Paul faithful reveal 2016, 2020, 2024 contingency plans involving carbonite 1/2/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Ron Paul's cult-like worshipers have high hopes and expectations for the 2012 elections, believing his recent surge in the polls might result in his clinching the GOP nomination and, in turn, going all the way to win the general against President Obama in November.... Read More & Comments

Rick Santorum gets “wasted,” wakes up in bed next to a man 1/1/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Presidential candidate Rick Santorum, famous for his anti-homosexual tirades and strong opposition to anything resembling civil rights for the LGBT community, admitted moments ago that, as reports had previously indicated, the former Pennsylvania Senator woke up ea... Read More & Comments

White House jokingly invites Mitt Romney to New Year's Eve party 12/31/2011 8:05 PM Matt Rock - President Obama will be celebrating New Year's Eve at the White House with his family, staff, friends, and a number of delegates. But an unlikely guest was also invited to the celebrations at America's most famous residence... GOP presidential candidate and presum... Read More & Comments

Politicians' New Years resolutions revealed! 12/31/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock - 2011 was, well, let's just say an “interesting” year in American politics. The scandals, the name-calling, the bickering, the outlandishness of the comments we heard... this was a really good year for PTP to take shape, that's for sure! We thought we should close... Read More & Comments

Jon Huntsman offered Best Buy gift card by little girl who “feels bad” for him 12/30/2011 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Jon Huntsman's presidential campaign received a surprising and somewhat distressing contribution earlier today: a $50 gift card from an 11-year old New Hampshire girl who “feels bad” for the fledgling candidate. We piled into an ominous-looking windowless van and ... Read More & Comments

Bachmann compares Iowa State Chair’s defection to 9/11 12/29/2011 8:05 PM Alyson Durden - Michele Bachmann’s campaign was left reeling today after her Iowa Campaign Chairman, Kent Sorenson, quit to work for Ron Paul. Taking a cue from Newt Gingrich, who recently compared his failure to get on the ballot in Virginia, his home state, to Pearl Harbor, Bac... Read More & Comments

Court declares company that leases busses to GOP figures used dangerous chemicals 12/29/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock - A company that builds VIP tour busses and leases them with discounted rates to prominent Conservative figures was been charged today with twelve counts of knowingly using dangerous chemicals in their assembly lines, according to a judge in the company's home state ... Read More & Comments

Gingrich contemplates divorce after learning his wife isn't polling well 12/28/2011 5:15 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has admitted that he's been mulling over the possibility of divorcing his wife, Callista Gingrich, prior to the Iowa caucus on January 3rd, after pollsters discovered that she “isn't playing well” with likely GOP voters in hotly-c... Read More & Comments

Michigan Supreme Court allows woman to enter her cat in the 2012 Presidential race 12/27/2011 8:28 PM Matt Rock - A Lansing, Michigan woman is celebrating tonight after the Supreme Court in her state ruled in her favor, allowing her cat, “Mr. Snuffles,” to be added to the ballot as an independent candidate in the 2012 Presidential race. The woman, Alice Orville, 59, better kn... Read More & Comments

Gingrich goes global, starts world tour 12/27/2011 9:30 AM Alyson Durden - Freed from campaigning in Virginia, where he was unable to secure the required number of signatures to get on the GOP primary ballot, former Speaker of the House and current presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has announced he is planning campaign stops in Russia,... Read More & Comments

White House mailroom holiday goof-up nearly starts World War III 12/26/2011 4:10 PM Matt Rock - The White House is scrambling at this hour to resolve a major international crisis that was caused by a malfunctioning mailroom computer and a disgruntled former employee. PTP has just learned from trusted anonymous sources that the world was nearly engulfed in nuc... Read More & Comments

Billions celebrate the last Christmas on Earth 12/25/2011 9:37 PM Matt Rock - With the Mayans, the Hopi, Nostradamus, Hollywood, the “Bible code,” and new-age authors who smell like patchouli and think grass mulch can cure cancer all predicting that the world will end on December 21st, 2012, we here at PTP thought we'd take a moment to appre... Read More & Comments

Santa abandons Christmas deliveries after series of mishaps in United States 12/25/2011 9:55 AM Matt Rock - Santa Claus has completely abandoned billions of Christmas deliveries for the first time ever, after a lengthy list of problems plagued his legendary, world-famous annual flight while traveling through the United States late last evening. North Pole representative... Read More & Comments

Gingrich vows to deport Obama’s dog 12/24/2011 5:00 PM Alyson Durden - Not wanting to be outdone by Mitt Romney, who recently called for the deportation of President Obama’s uncle, Newt Gingrich has vowed to deport the “First Dog,” Bo.

“I don’t know much about dogs, but isn’t that dog a Portuguese Water Dog? What’s wrong with ... Read More & Comments

Former Edwards staffers form support group 12/23/2011 3:05 PM Alyson Durden - With reports out that disgraced former Senator and Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards has asked his mistress Rielle Hunter to move into his home -- the house he once shared with his late wife, Elizabeth -- some of his staffers have formed a support group. Th... Read More & Comments

Newt doubles down on judiciary pledge, questions the validity of the Constitiution 12/22/2011 8:05 PM Alyson Durden - Former Speaker of the House and current presidential candidate Newt Gingrich reiterated his view that the “judiciary must be made accountable.” On Saturday he held a conference call with Iowans in which he told them he would make Supreme Court Justices testify befo... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain on Iraq: “You should never pull out” 12/22/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain is still managing to make headlines today. Speaking at a small press conference thrown together haphazardly by Cain himself in Atlanta, Georgia, the former pizza mogul sharply criticized President Obama's withdrawal of... Read More & Comments

GOP candidates not sure Iraq war was necessary but upset it ended 12/21/2011 3:05 PM Alyson Durden - With all of the US troops out of Iraq, some Republican presidential hopefuls have taken some time to reflect on the nine-year conflict and whether or not we should have invaded in the first place. Their conclusion: the war was a bad idea, but we should still be fi... Read More & Comments

Letters to Santa: Nancy Pelosi 12/20/2011 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Hi Santa!

Wow, can you believe you've been sending me presents now for 71 years? And that I've been writing you a letter each and every year for 68 years? Time flies, doesn't it? Well, maybe not for you, you must be a thousand years old by now. You look ... Read More & Comments

Big Pharma declares food a drug 12/20/2011 7:05 AM Will Daring - Inspired by Congress' recent spending bill attempting to classify school lunch pizza as a vegetable, and the FDA's interest in regulating natural supplements in the same manner as medications, lobbyists for Big Pharma are pushing to classify food as a drug.

... Read More & Comments

Justin Bieber to succeed Kim Jong Il as North Korea's Supreme Leader 12/19/2011 3:05 PM Matt Rock - North Korean State television announced moments ago that Canadian teenage heartthrob Justin Bieber will replace Kim Jong Il as the nation's Supreme Leader, effective January 1st of 2012. Kim Jong Il, who is now dead as a parrot, reportedly left his throne to the s... Read More & Comments

Letters to Santa: President Barack Obama 12/18/2011 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Using our mad investigative journalism skills, Pardon the Pundit has uncovered a shocking truth about many contemporary, fully-grown, politicians: Many of them still write letters to Santa Claus every year. With bribes paid to the Post Master General and DC staff... Read More & Comments

Obama promises to strip tease in exchange for two-month payroll tax cut extension 12/17/2011 8:05 PM Matt Rock - PTP has just learned that President Obama, who praised the Senate for passing a two-month extension on the much-debated payroll tax cut, will be bending over backwards to make the extension possible... literally. The 50-year old President has reportedly agreed to ... Read More & Comments

GOP given ancient magical lamp, but manage to fumble huge 2012 wins 12/17/2011 9:45 AM Matt Rock - The Republican party suffered a major blow this week after an ancient magical artifact, Aladdin's Lamp, which had been donated to the party at the start of this month, was in turn given the President Barack Obama as a “Secret Santa” gift. The GOP reportedly hoped ... Read More & Comments

Gingrich gets support from the "Cain Train" 12/16/2011 3:01 PM Alyson Durden - Herman Cain has scheduled a press conference for Monday afternoon where he will most likely endorse former rival and former House Speaker Newt Gingrich. The two had appeared at a debate about a month ago that was more reminiscent of a love-in rather than a politic... Read More & Comments

Robocop speaks out against drone use by local law enforcement 12/15/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock - Legendary Detroit police officer Robocop spoke out earlier this evening against the potential use of military drones by local law enforcement agencies in the United States, a topic which has sparked tremendous debate since the Federal Aviation Administration announ... Read More & Comments

United States ends war in Iraq for fifth time 12/15/2011 10:22 AM Matt Rock - Jubilation filled the streets of Baghdad today as the United States officially declared the end of the Iraq War for the fifth time, which analysts predict will be the second to last time before US forces are finally fully withdrawn from the country.

“This is... Read More & Comments

Corporations angered as Time names “the protester” as “person of the year” 12/14/2011 2:59 PM Matt Rock - Time Magazine unveiled their famed “Person of the Year” award today, naming “the protester” as the recipient of the coveted title. Noting the Arab Spring, the Occupy Wall Street movement, and numerous other protest organizations and events, Time made their decisio... Read More & Comments

Snooki to moderate GOP presidential debate 12/13/2011 8:01 PM Alyson Durden - Not wanting to be outdone by reality TV mogul Donald Trump, reality TV star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi has announced she will host a debate for Republican presidential candidates in early January. Polizzi’s show "Jersey Shore" is scheduled to resume filming in Seasid... Read More & Comments

Activists retake Congress, immediately get bought out by lobbyists 12/13/2011 9:00 AM Matt Rock - Thousands of protesters have converged on Capitol Hill this week, with countless more still on their way, in what they're calling an effort to “Take Back the Capitol” on behalf of the 99% of Americans that Congress fails to represent. The movement, which bears a s... Read More & Comments

Jim VandeHei named sexiest man in Washington, DC 12/12/2011 3:30 PM Alyson Durden - Politico founder Jim Vandehei was named “sexiest man alive” by the political satire site Pardon the Pundit. This is the first year they have bestowed such an award. Vandehei, 40, is a native of Oshkosh, Wisconsin. Sources close to the Packers fan turned politica... Read More & Comments

Relative of President Obama destroys America, fails to conquer the globe 12/11/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama's third-cousin, Timmy Soetoro, 27, is making headlines today after having brutally destroyed America, and all of the cities therein, while eating Hot Pockets and leaving obnoxious telephone messages for his ex-girlfriend.

“He was playi... Read More & Comments

Gingrich defends lunar colonization plans after last night's GOP debate 12/11/2011 8:31 AM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich's briefly-mentioned lunar colony idea, brought up by Mitt Romney during last night's GOP presidential primary debate in Iowa, has come under intense fire from the scientific community and other GOP candidates, resulting in Gingric... Read More & Comments

Gingrich vows to deliver tremendous gaffe at tonight's debate 12/10/2011 3:04 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich announced moments ago that he has every intention of delivering a monumental blunder during tonight's GOP debate, in the hopes of making his election impossible as Bachmann, Perry, and Cain had done before him. Gingrich, who has ... Read More & Comments

FOX doctors 'Occupy' footage with 'Terminator' clips 12/9/2011 8:00 PM Will Daring - A reputation for using misleading and unauthentic footage to further questionable storylines hasn't stopped FOX news from continuing the practice, as the network was caught yet again. The incident began when Giraldo Rivera reported "growing rumors" that protesters ... Read More & Comments

Rick Perry's guide to political campaign ads 12/9/2011 8:00 AM Staff -

Pardon The Pundit's how-to guide for political campaign ads. Case study: Rick Perry's Strong Campaign.... Read More & Comments

American pundits fearful after learning of man arrested for insulting Thai King 12/8/2011 3:32 PM Matt Rock - Scores of American media personalities, some Liberal and some Conservative, have been left terrified upon hearing the breaking news story of a Thai-born American citizen, Lerpong Wichaikhammat, also known as Joe Gordon, 55, being sentenced today in Thailand to two ... Read More & Comments

Biden out, Priebus in 12/7/2011 8:00 PM Alyson Durden - The 2012 presidential campaign took a strange twist today when word leaked that Vice President Joe Biden will be replaced by Republican National Chairman Reince Priebus. While there had been rampant speculation that Biden would be dropped from the ticket, most ins... Read More & Comments

Gingrich promises to bring Freddie Mac business experience to White House 12/7/2011 9:15 AM Coyle - Newt Gingrich, the new frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination, attempted to distance himself for his main rival, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, by promising supporters during a speech in New Hampshire that he would use the considerable b... Read More & Comments

Romney goes into hiding after Quayle announces his support 12/6/2011 3:03 PM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney went into hiding today, as former Vice President Dan Quayle announced that he would publicly endorse Romney in his primary fight. Sources inside the Romney campaign are confident that if Romney hides out long enough, Quayle m... Read More & Comments

Cain: “Congress finally gets it right” 12/5/2011 8:24 PM Alyson Durden - Herman Cain, who this weekend announced he was suspending his presidential campaign, offered praise to Congress tonight, saying they had “accomplished the single greatest achievement since the signing of the Declaration of Independence” when they unanimously voted ... Read More & Comments

Bachmann cries, "What about the cracks in the crazy ceiling?" 12/5/2011 9:10 AM Alyson Durden - Congresswoman Michele Bachmann's (R-MN) presidential campaign got a little surreal this week when the candidate broke from her prepared remarks on the economic impact of searching for President Obama's birth certificate and praying away people's homosexuality yeste... Read More & Comments

GOP debate to be hosted by Donald Trump, candidates scurry to buy toupees 12/4/2011 3:01 PM Matt Rock - With the recent announcement that Donald Trump will host a GOP presidential debate on December 27th, many pundits are scratching their heads at what silly antics might arise out of the Republican candidates next. The candidates themselves, however, are scratching ... Read More & Comments

Super committee agreed on one thing: John Kerry talked too much 12/3/2011 10:31 AM Alyson Durden - After months of heavy negotiations, the Congressional "super committee" may have failed to agree on what cuts needed to be made to the United States budget, but they did appear to all think that Senator John Kerry just wouldn't shut up.

“Look, I like John. H... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain to announce intentions in 2012 election 12/2/2011 8:26 PM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain revealed to his supporters today that sometime tomorrow, he'll announce whether he plans on staying in the race to the bitter end, or dropping out with his head hung low, in the wake of accusations that he had an extramarital ... Read More & Comments

Group tries to arrest G.W. Bush in Africa for tax evasion 12/2/2011 8:01 AM Matt Rock - When former President George W. Bush visits Africa later this month, a Tanzanian legal group will seek to arrest “the Decider” on charges of tax evasion... after purposely preventing him from paying those taxes. After requests from Amnesty International and other ... Read More & Comments

Cain promises to get tough on Ubeki-beki-beki-stan-stan 12/1/2011 3:00 PM Coyle - In an attempt to legitimize his oft-criticized foreign policy credentials, Herman Cain promised to get tough on countries like Ubeki-beki-beki-stan-stan, which Cain fears could be a real threat to America's national security in the years ahead.

During a coll... Read More & Comments

Rick Perry confuses more legal ages, dates during another New Hampshire speech 11/30/2011 8:10 PM Matt Rock - Just one day after having claimed the legal voting age was 21 and that the election in November of 2012 was six days later than it's actually set for, Rick Perry managed to mangle even more ages and dates during a speech this evening in New Hampshire. The once-lea... Read More & Comments

Cain laments “affair gap” with Gingrich 11/30/2011 8:30 AM Floyd Harden - Herman Cain faced renewed criticism yesterday when his supporters did the math and realized that Newt Gingrich has had more affairs than Cain. The stunning revelation -- that Cain is less attractive to women than Gingrich -- has turned many of Cain’s most ardent s... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain sexually harasses reporter while denying sexual harassment allegations 11/29/2011 3:19 PM Matt Rock - Herman Cain can't seem to keep himself out of hot water. The GOP candidate, who is said to be considering abandoning his presidential aspirations, has managed to sexually harass yet another woman, this one being a reporter who asked Cain this afternoon about his a... Read More & Comments

Cain angered by satire piece, calls it an example of “media gone wild” 11/28/2011 8:30 PM Alyson Durden - Apparently we can add satire to the list of things Herman Cain does not understand. The candidate had what only can be described as a hissy fit when he was handed a copy of Pardon the Pundit, a political satire magazine published in the nation’s capital.

“Wh... Read More & Comments

GOP debate ends in beheadings, electrical storm 1/27/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The 1,287th GOP debate, which took place last evening, ended abruptly when all four candidates burst into an epic sword battle, screaming vulgarities back and forth as they hacked, slashed, and stabbed each other to pieces.

The battle began when former House... Read More & Comments

Gay barbarians lay siege to Michele Bachmann's congressional re-election bid 1/26/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former GOP presidential primary candidate Michele Bachmann has kicked off her re-election efforts to hold onto her congressional seat in Minnesota. But almost immediately after her announcement, a marauding horde of gay barbarians ransacked her unfinished campaign... Read More & Comments

House bill would require voters present golf clubs at polling stations 1/26/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - A new bill up for vote soon in the House of Representatives would require voters to present at least one golf club when they vote in the 2012 elections. The Republicans proposing the bill claim it is designed to curb voter fraud, because illegal aliens most likely... Read More & Comments

Rick Santorum's “Conservatives Unite Moneybomb” sticks to entire campaign 1/25/2012 3:05 PM Staff - GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum, who is still battling Google over the hilarious practical joke played on him by Dan Savage in the search engine's results, recently wheeled out a fundraising campaign on his website called “Conservatives Unite Moneybomb,” w... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain's State of the Union rebuttal to talk about sanctity of marriage 1/24/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain will be delivering tonight's Tea Party rebuttal to President Obama's State of the Union Address, which is starting right now. Cain, who made headlines on Friday when he sang the “Pokemon” theme song to a group of Steph... Read More & Comments

PTP State of the Union Drinking Game 1/24/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden - It may seem like the 2012 presidential elections should be over already, but we have nearly 11 months more to go. Knowing some of you might be tired of the endless barrage of campaign coverage, it’s not surprising that interest in this year’s State of the Union add... Read More & Comments

Rand Paul detained in Nashville after TSA claims toupee is living creature 1/23/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Senator Rand Paul (R-KY), son of GOP primary candidate Ron Paul, was detained by Transportation Security Administration officials in Nashville Tennessee this morning after refusing to remove his toupee, which Paul persists is his real hair. TSA officials accused P... Read More & Comments

Gingrich calls glitter-bombings “hate crimes” 1/22/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich spoke out today against the recent “glitter-bombing” of fellow GOP primary candidate Rick Santorum, labeling the instance a “hate crime” and demanding the assailants be punished to the fullest extent of the law. Santorum was glit... Read More & Comments

Santorum paid people to “look supportive” after SC speech, sources claim 1/22/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former Pennsylvania Senator and hilarious Google search result Rick Santorum is making waves in headlines this morning after several members of the audience from his speech in South Carolina last night admitted that they were paid by the campaign to applaud him and... Read More & Comments

Poll shows 0% shock after Supreme Court has Texas redraw districts to favor GOP 1/21/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A new NBC/ PPP/ CBS/ KFC poll conducted in Texas has shown that 0% of the State's residents were surprised after the Supreme Court ordered a lower court to redraw congressional redistricting maps in the state, favoring Republicans rather than offering a fairer bala... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain confused by Stephen Colbert ad, schedules campaign stops in South Carolina 1/20/2012 3:05 PM Staff - Herman Cain, apparently confused by ads run by "Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow," has announced several campaign events throughout South Carolina ahead of the primary there on Saturday. The ads, run by Stephen Colbert’s super PAC, ask people to vote for ... Read More & Comments

Cain spotted in SC with Stephen Colbert's old beau days before huge primary “bump” 1/19/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Former GOP primary candidate Herman Cain, who dropped out of the presidential race back in December amid a relentless slew of sexual misconduct and extramarital affair allegations, has experienced a huge surge in South Carolina's primary after Comedy Central's radi... Read More & Comments

Romney's secret tax returns reveal multiple wives, beer 1/19/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney, who throughout the campaign has dodged and flatly denied releasing documents that might reveal information about his earnings and expenses, has finally come clean to the media about his highly-secretive taxes, which have been at... Read More & Comments

Obama considers promoting SOPA bill after Biden joins blackout, tapes mouth shut 1/18/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama is said to be considering at this hour a polar shift on his position regarding the controversial “Stop Online Piracy Act,” better known as the “SOPA bill,” which he previously came out against. The President is allegedly mulling over a near-... Read More & Comments

Michelle Obama celebrates 48th with tasteless food, treadmills 1/17/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - First Lady Michelle Obama, who is currently celebrating her 48th birthday at a special party hosted in the White House's East Room, has managed to drive away at least 70% of her invited guests by rolling out a “health-themed dinner party” moments prior to the event... Read More & Comments

PTP staff misses SC debate, uses guesswork, fancy technology to report how it went 1/17/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - For the second time in this hectic 2012 primary season, PTP's staff managed to completely miss a GOP debate, after staff writer Alyson Durden broke our television watching several episodes of “Jersey Shore” that she'd saved to our DVR. We tried watching the debate... Read More & Comments

Romney: Bain was “eagle capitalism," not “vulture capitalism” 1/16/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - GOP primary frontrunner Mitt Romney has been taking heavy fire from both Republicans and Democrats after it was revealed that Romney, while CEO of Bain Capital, took to using shady business practices to turn a buck. That, coupled with Romney's recent comment that ... Read More & Comments

Jesus pulls off Tebow prank; athlete to begin volunteer work for Romney campaign 1/15/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Jesus Christ, who revealed his plan to prank American football star Tim Tebow yesterday morning on an Italian talk show, joyously bragged that his stunt had worked flawlessly while appearing on a Sunday morning talk show in Rio de Janeiro today. According to Jesus... Read More & Comments

Fox News responds to Stephen Colbert's primary run with less-funny run of their own 1/14/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert may have bitten off more than he can chew on Thursday night when he, joined by his lawyer and Jon Stewart, announced that he was running for President in South Carolina. Now, a second comedian is entering the 2012 race, only this o... Read More & Comments

Governor Brownback Calls Kansas Teen "Poopy Head" on Twitter 1/14/2012 7:05 AM Coyle - Kansas Governor Sam Brownback took to Twitter yesterday after a Kansas high school student refused to retract a controversial tweet in which she wrote that she had "just made mean comments at gov. Brownback and told him he sucked."

After refusing to apologiz... Read More & Comments

President Obama hopes to save money, stop apocalypse by combining agencies 1/13/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - President Obama announced today that he'll be asking Congress for the authority to combine various government agencies together, with the intention of cutting down on bureaucracy and improving efficiency. But according to a few White House insiders that are on the... Read More & Comments

GE Corporation arrested for DUI, public indecency 1/12/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - General Electric (NYSE: GE) was arrested earlier this evening, charged with both driving under the influence and public indecency. The American multinational corporation, who was visiting its hometown of Schenectady, New York for a high school reunion, was brought... Read More & Comments

Pardon the Pundit LIVE Political Satire at in Downtown DC Feb 24th and 25th 1/12/2012 8:04 AM Staff - Enjoy an evening of fresh hysterical political humor from the DC Area’s edgiest political theater company. Pardon the Pundit (PTP) is a political comedy theater company and political satire publication based in Washington DC. Not affiliated with any party, PTP make... Read More & Comments

Michelle Obama angry about her portrayal in new book as an angry person 1/11/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - First Lady Michelle Obama erupted explosively this afternoon, according to numerous witnesses, after having read only a few pages of the new book written by New York Times writer Jodi Kantor that portrays her as an angry woman.

“We were taking a guided tour ... Read More & Comments

Huntsman wins New Hampshire primary, wakes up from nap, goes on soda bender 1/11/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Jon Huntsman narrowly defeated all of his Republican rivals last night to clinch a win in New Hampshire's primary. His win was so massive and so devastating, in fact, that all of his GOP primary rivals dropped out of the race, except for Ron Paul, who won't even g... Read More & Comments

Democrats develop strategy to win back the House... of pancakes 1/10/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The DNC announced this morning a new strategy for winning back the House. No, not “that” house... they're devoting $11 million in campaign funds to taking back the International House of Pancakes in DC, where they used to frequent prior to the 2010 midterm electio... Read More & Comments

Huntsman gets Facebook friend #12 in ramp-up to New Hampshire primary 1/9/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Moments ago, GOP presidential candidate Jon Huntsman banked his twelfth Facebook friend, when Sally G. Romero, 14, of Somerset New York, accepted one of the 7,219,432 friend requests Huntsman has sent out during the course of his campaign.

“What a glorious d... Read More & Comments

Images of Michele Bachmann love child surface 1/9/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - The picture shown alongside this article might look familiar to you. Look closely. Doesn't she look like someone famous? That's because she's the secret love child of none-other than Michele Bachmann. The toddler's picture has been released by the baby's father... Read More & Comments

Ron Paul wrestles tiger, saves a princess and other hostages; media still doesn't care 1/8/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A group of terrorists from Kyrgyzstan, which neighbors Tajikistan and Ubeki-beki-beki-stan-stan, launched an attack earlier today on US soil, raiding a hotel in New Hampshire in an attempt to capture an unidentified Saudi princess. They would have gotten away with... Read More & Comments

New book probably claims Michelle beats Barack; PTP not allowed to read it yet 1/7/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - A new book due out on Tuesday, written by Jodi Kantor of the New York Times, alleges that Michelle Obama dominates over her husband and makes more household decisions than many might realize. The author even makes claims of domestic abuse, or so we assume, because... Read More & Comments

Bachmann, Palin on Cornell University “time cloak”: NOW they come up with that! 1/7/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - An incredible discovery at Cornell University in upstate New York has led to the invention of the world's first “time cloak,” a device that can temporarily divert visible light, delaying it long enough to “freeze time” and make all of the events in the affected are... Read More & Comments

GOP issues letter to business owners urging them to stop hiring 1/6/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - With unemployment dropping to its lowest point in three years, and some analysts predicting continued drops straight through 2012, the economy is finally starting to show signs of a turn-around. But while most Americans view this as a good thing, the GOP is asking... Read More & Comments

Aliens invade Washington DC, but this is satire, so it never happened 1/5/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Billions of people around the globe would be terrified tonight after aliens invaded Washington DC, demanding they be taken to our leader, if in fact Pardon the Pundit weren't a political satire website, because this never actually happened.

“Oh my god! Alie... Read More & Comments

Gingrich announces "0-0-0 Plan" 1/5/2012 7:05 AM Coyle - Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich released his new policy agenda yesterday, highlighted by a new economic plan that he hopes will revive his campaign as the primaries move forward.

Called the "0-0-0 Plan," Gingrich is hoping to piggyback on for... Read More & Comments

Jesus instructs Bachmann to suspend her campaign 1/4/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann has decided to suspend her 2012 presidential campaign. Bachmann, who finished with an embarrassing 5% of the caucus votes in her home State of Iowa when the final votes were tallied at about 1:30 am this morning, seemed det... Read More & Comments

Obama wins big in 2012 DNC Iowa Caucuses 1/3/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - President Barack Obama has deftly, resoundingly, staggeringly laid his Democratic Party rivals to waste tonight, scoring a triumphant triumph over everyone who stood against him in the Iowa caucuses. His amazing 100% win has presumably left his GOP rivals quiverin... Read More & Comments

President Obama faces last-minute caucus challenge from Rick Perry 1/3/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - While the GOP primary is far from being decided, with the Iowa caucuses starting tonight at 7pm local time, President Obama has cruised through the process without any opposition... until now. Texas Governor and fallen GOP primary star Rick Perry, who used to be a... Read More & Comments

“Run it up the flagpole day” confuses most GOP candidates 1/2/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock - A January 2nd pseudo-holiday known as “run it up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes it day,” traditionally intended as a day where people are encouraged to dish up the best their creativity has to offer and make suggestions at their workplace to kick off the ne... Read More & Comments

Gingrich experiences New Years shenanigans similar to “Hangover” films 1/1/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The presidential campaign of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich is racing at this hour to put a positive spin on what many pundits are already calling “The Gingrich Hangover,” after New Year's celebrations gone awry led the falling GOP star on a cross-country adven... Read More & Comments

President Obama secretly saves America in covert Times Square operation 1/1/2012 7:05 AM Matt Rock - PTP has confirmed this morning that President Obama literally saved America last night, when terrorist sleeper cells made an effort to detonate a WMD in Times Square that would have caused a chain reaction, inevitably wiping out almost the entire population of the ... Read More & Comments

Koch Brothers cancel “New Year's seal clubbing” event for first time since 1989 12/31/2011 3:05 PM Matt Rock - David and Charles Koch, more famously known as the nefarious “Koch Brothers,” were forced to cancel one of the Koch family's most legendary time-honored traditions, their famed “New Year's Seal Clubbing” event, after a group of tree-hugging animal rights terrorists... Read More & Comments

PTP is 75% sure our polling data predicts the 2012 elections with 100% accuracy 12/30/2011 8:05 PM Matt Rock - The numbers are finally in! After spending $12 million and a cumulative 14,200 hours polling over two-million likely American voters, Pardon the Pundit is finally ready to reveal to you the most accurate polling ever conducted during a Presidential race, in histor... Read More & Comments

A Democrat you've never heard of resigns his Senate seat in a state you've never been to 12/30/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Senator Ben Nelson (D-NE) is resigning his seat in 2012, sources say. PTP was able to confirm this morning that Ben Nelson really is an actual person, and that Nebraska, a State where nothing interesting has ever happened, really does have Senators and Congresspeo... Read More & Comments

Bachmann's Iowa Chairman leaves her, refuses to accept mix tapes 12/29/2011 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Michele Bachmann's presidential campaign suffered a serious blow today when Kent Sorenson, Bachmann's Iowa campaign Chairman and her only hope at polling in the Iowa caucuses with some small sliver of dignity, abandoned ship and swam to the Ron Paul campaign. We c... Read More & Comments

Santorum campaign accepts “unsavory” corporate contributions 12/28/2011 9:01 PM Matt Rock - With primary voting starting next month, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum's struggling presidential campaign has found itself accepting contributions from any source willing to dish them up. But a new surge in funds from a wide range of corporate sponsors... Read More & Comments

Florida unveils new voting machine ahead of 2012 primaries 12/28/2011 9:22 AM Matt Rock - State election officials in Florida announced this morning a new polling machine that they claim will make the state's infamous ballot-counting issues a thing of the past. The revolutionary new device, developed by a think-tank funded almost entirely by Halliburto... Read More & Comments

Iowa builds time machine, pushes back caucuses to three months ago 12/27/2011 3:15 PM Matt Rock - In an effort to intentionally complicate the madness surrounding the 2012 GOP primary race even further, Iowa election officials announced this morning that they will hold their caucuses not on January 3rd of 2012 as was previously announced, but three months ago f... Read More & Comments

“Make it Stop” protests erupt throughout the country 12/26/2011 8:59 PM Alyson Durden - Inspired by both the Occupy and Tea Party movements, protests have sprung up in cities throughout the midwest and northern east coast -- cities close to, but not in, states where the first primaries and caucuses will be held such as Chicago, Milwaukee, Minneapolis,... Read More & Comments

Rick Perry claims he confused “secede” with “succeed” 12/26/2011 9:26 AM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry did something this morning that Texas Governors rarely seem to do: he admitted he made a mistake. According to Perry, his fiery speech in 2009 where he threatened to secede Texas from the United States, an event that no media... Read More & Comments

John Boehner visited by “ghosts of House Speakers past” 12/25/2011 5:09 PM Matt Rock - Speaker of the House John Boehner reported early this morning that last evening, he was visited in his bed by three ghosts, each of whom took him on a different adventure that cumulatively exposed the error of his ways, and has made him completely reevaluate contem... Read More & Comments

Letters to Santa: Zombie Reagan 12/24/2011 9:05 PM Matt Rock - Why, hello there Santa!

I haven't asked you for anything these past few years, probably because I've been dead since 2004, but looking at the way things are going today in the United States, I figured I should claw out of my grave, devour a few of those “Occ... Read More & Comments

Letters to Santa: Herman Cain 12/23/2011 8:05 PM Alyson Durden - Santa,

First of all, thank you for helping me become so great. Between making Godfather’s Pizza the best pizza to come out of the Midwest and letting me hit on all the women I have ever worked with, you showed me I could do it all. My wife might still be a... Read More & Comments

Elves go on strike as North Pole outsources more jobs to China 12/23/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock - At this hour, PTP has confirmed reports that Santa's North Pole workshop has completely shut down production with less than 48 hours to go until Christmas morning, with the remnants of his elven staff on strike. The tiny magical humanoids are demanding that Santa ... Read More & Comments

Letters to Santa: Anthony Weiner 12/22/2011 3:05 PM Matt Rock - Hi Santa,

I'm not really sure if you'll even read a letter from me this year. I know you're probably still mad at me for sending those text messages to Mrs. Claus, but I really want to put all that behind us. It's time that you and me let bygones be bygone... Read More & Comments

Letters to Santa: Sarah Palin 12/21/2011 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Hello there Santa! It's me, Sarah Palin, you betcha!

Gosh, what a crazy year it's been don't-cha-know, with everything that's been going on and stuff! I thought I was gonna run for President, but that gosh-darn tell-all book sank my battleship! I don't bl... Read More & Comments

Hint of color leaks into North Korea, civil unrest ensues 12/21/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock - In the wake of the death of Kim Jong Il, a tiny sliver of colored light seeped into North Korea yesterday afternoon, according to South Korean operatives who witnessed the event transpire. At this hour, the North Korean people are rioting in the streets and attemp... Read More & Comments

“Make a Wish” child asks for Tim Tebow, gets Tim Pawlenty 12/20/2011 3:05 PM Matt Rock - The “Make a Wish Foundation,” a charitable organization that makes dreams come true for terminally-ill children, has just logged the biggest mistake in the non-profit's history, and is now scrambling to reverse the mistake. When a young child used his wish to meet... Read More & Comments

Letters to Santa: Newt Gingrich 12/19/2011 8:05 PM Matt Rock - Dear Santa,

Here's my wish list for the 2011 Christmas season. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I'll enjoy getting all of these presents from you. It isn't likely, but if you work real hard and believe with all your heart, you might just get some p... Read More & Comments

Kim Jong Il making friends, Capital One junk mail in Hell 12/19/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock - Former North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il has reportedly checked into his new suite in the seventh circle of Hell's “World Leader's Wing,” where the fashionable and quite-dead despot will await a sentencing trial that will determine how much of eternity will be spen... Read More & Comments

Wikileaks exposes Santa's “Naughty & Nice” list for children of politicians 12/18/2011 7:05 AM Matt Rock - The controversial website Wikileaks released a top secret document from the North Pole today, which lists the children of American politicians and whether they've been naughty or nice. As the US government scrambles to get the article removed from the internet, ch... Read More & Comments

Huntsman gets the band back together to sing about the Congressional super committee 12/17/2011 3:05 PM Alyson Durden - After appearing on Morning Joe, the Huntsman campaign announced the candidate plans to reunite with his high school band, "Wizard," and will begin performing at events around New Hampshire, shows during which they will mix in political songs (Blue Oyster Cult’s “Do... Read More & Comments

The bidding war is on! Bachmann, Paul , Santorum vie for Cain’s affections 12/16/2011 8:19 PM Alyson Durden - Although the coveted Herman Cain endorsement has gone to Newt Gingrich, that has not stopped other campaigns from going after his support. After hearing Cain wanted to be Secretary of Defense, two campaigns offered the former candidate spots in their cabinet. Con... Read More & Comments

Openly-gay soldiers save Rick Santorum from choking, drowning 12/16/2011 9:35 AM Matt Rock - GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum was released from a Des Moines, Iowa hospital this morning with no serious injuries after his campaign bus endured an accident last evening. The driver suffered the worst injuries – bumps and scrapes – while the candidate ... Read More & Comments

Herman Cain would invade England as Secretary of Defense 12/15/2011 3:23 PM Matt Rock - Former GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain, who recently dropped out of the primary running amidst a myriad of sexual harassment and adultery scandals, has aspirations of becoming the Secretary of Defense, according to Barbara Walters, who recently interviewed C... Read More & Comments

Democrats unveil diabolical scheme to turn Republicans blue 12/14/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock - In preparation of the 2012 elections, the Democratic Party has rolled out a new plan to entice Republicans into switching sides, adding a (D) to their names on ballots instead of an (r). After several months of careful consideration and serious planning, they prou... Read More & Comments

Trump abandons GOP debate, prepares “Vaudevillian” presidential campaign 12/14/2011 9:30 AM Matt Rock - Real estate magnate and reality TV host Donald Trump has bowed out of his commitment to host a GOP Presidential debate on December 27th, citing a potential conflict of interest should he decide to change his mind and run in the 2012 presidential race. The announce... Read More & Comments

US considers in-car ban on cell phone use, teens scream “it isn't fair!” 12/13/2011 3:15 PM Matt Rock - The National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) made a recommendation to the government earlier today that all portable electronic devices, including cell-phones, should be banned from use during the operation of motor vehicles throughout the nation, with GPS devic... Read More & Comments

Elizabeth Warren challenges Scott Brown to modeling “walk-off” 12/12/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock - Massachusetts Senate candidate and presumptive Democratic party nominee Elizabeth Warren isn't pulling any punches in the ramp-up to her general election standoff against incumbent Senator and former male model Scott Brown. In a move that some are calling risky, W... Read More & Comments

Fox poll puts Obama in lead, organization vows to “never let that happen again” 12/12/2011 8:31 AM Matt Rock - A recent Fox News poll revealed that 44% of their viewers believe President Obama will win the 2012 election, while Newt Gingrich pulled in 16%, and Mitt Romney drew 15%. The news organization, often accused of being a radical right-wing propaganda machine, was re... Read More & Comments

Huntsman booted from Iowa GOP debate due to sanity 12/11/2011 3:00 PM Alyson Durden - Leaked memos from the Iowa GOP reveal the real reason Governor Jon Huntsman was not included in last night’s debate; he is just too sane. Politico is reporting that most debates use polling information to determine who to include in the event, but this time, they ... Read More & Comments

BarackObama.com selling ill-advised campaign memorabilia 12/10/2011 8:07 PM Matt Rock - President Obama's 2012 campaign website started selling a new lineup of pro-Obama merchandise today, but much to the organization's chagrin, many of the items for sale have drawn the ire of those browsing the goods, particularly those GOP primary contenders who are... Read More & Comments

Harry Reid freezes tongue to flagpole, Obama grounds Congress 12/10/2011 8:32 AM Matt Rock - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is being treated for oral injuries at George Washington University Hospital this morning after a night out with Congressional leaders resulted in Reid's tongue getting frozen to a Washington DC flagpole. The 72-year old Senator is... Read More & Comments

Rick Perry to release “Strong 2: Strong Harder” campaign ad 12/9/2011 3:01 PM Matt Rock - Texas Governor Rick Perry, whose recent controversial presidential campaign ad titled “Strong” has gone viral with scores of rebuttals from media personalities and camera-wielding American citizens, has decided to follow up his masterpiece with a sequel, titled “St... Read More & Comments

Lobbyists, politicians claim EPA hydrofracking report is polluting water, air 12/8/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock - A new report from the Environmental Protection Agency finds that hydrofracking is to blame for groundwater contaminates in the Wyoming town of Pavillion, striking a major blow to the highly-controversial natural gas and oil drilling method that has come under fire ... Read More & Comments

Gingrich continues to defend child labor stance 12/8/2011 8:05 AM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker and current GOP presidential candidate Newt Gingrich refuses to back down, even as child advocacy groups and the media continue to rail against him for his view that children should be put to work. Speaking at a book signing last night at a Pe... Read More & Comments

Future Blagojevich cellmate: “I'll only rape his hair” 12/7/2011 3:01 PM Matt Rock - Disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to 14 years in prison today on corruption convictions after attempting to sell Barack Obama's Senate seat after Obama won the Presidency in 2012. Upon learning that Blagojevich would soon become his cellmat... Read More & Comments

Fox refuses to back down after calling the Muppets communist propaganda 12/6/2011 8:01 PM Matt Rock - Days after Fox Business host Eric Bolling made the claim that the new “Muppets” movie is communist propaganda, an assertion that has drawn the ire of parents and fans nationwide, News Corp has announced that Fox News, Fox Business, and the full News Corp family are... Read More & Comments

“Trump debate” to include challenges, prizes 12/6/2011 9:30 AM Matt Rock - Details regarding the format of the December 27th Newsmax presidential debate, set to be hosted by Donald Trump, have finally emerged, and many are left questioning the legitimacy of the event whatsoever. According to leaked emails between “the Donald” and conserv... Read More & Comments

Rick Perry challenges rivals to air guitar competition 12/5/2011 3:08 PM Matt Rock - Texas Governor Rick Perry has upped the ante against his GOP presidential foes, challenging them all to a “pre-debate air guitar contest,” which his campaign has set for December 26th, one day before the GOP debate moderated by Donald Trump. Perry seemed full of v... Read More & Comments

Gingrich defends stance on child labor, encourages opening American sweat shops 12/4/2011 8:10 PM Matt Rock - Former House Speaker and current GOP presidential frontrunner Newt Gingrich, speaking at a book signing event earlier this evening, defended his position on lessening child labor laws, claiming that allowing children to have jobs “might be the kick in the pants the... Read More & Comments

New bullying bill protects Congress from constituents, media 12/4/2011 8:00 AM Matt Rock - A new bill set for proposition in the House on Monday will help set up new protections against physical, emotional, and cyber- bullying... against members of the House of Representatives. Congress' “Our polling figures suck big time” bill aims to set up a myriad o... Read More & Comments

House recants need for Corzine subpoena, realizes he isn't a hemorrhoid cream 12/3/2011 7:30 AM Matt Rock - The House Agriculture Committee, which voted unanimously yesterday to subpoena former New Jersey Governor and former MF Global Holdings CEO Jon Corzine to testify at an upcoming hearing, announced moments ago that they no longer need Corzine to come to the hearing,... Read More & Comments

Congress appoints Cookie Monster as new Secretary of Agriculture 12/2/2011 3:10 PM Will Daring - Redefined school lunch standards set forth earlier this year by the USDA may not receive the funding needed for their implementation, after Congress boldly, and with no warning, replaced Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack with his unlikely successor, Cookie Monst... Read More & Comments

Biden declares he's staying in Iraq, says governing is “way easier” there 12/1/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock - Vice President Joe Biden, visiting Iraq on the eve of the United States' full withdrawal from the country, declared moments ago that he will not be returning to the United States, citing that legislating is vastly easier in the war-torn former home of Babylon than ... Read More & Comments

Barney Frank's “funniest politician” label draws ire from GOP presidential candidates 12/1/2011 8:09 AM Matt Rock - With Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank set to retire in 2012, many pundits and other talking heads are graciously labeling him as the funniest politician of all time. But many Conservative presidential candidates are voicing objection with all of the attentio... Read More & Comments

Andy Heaton on drug policy and Republicans at the Arlington Drafthouse 11/30/2011 3:00 PM Staff -

Pardon The Pundit features Andy Heaton performing stand-up comedy about drug policy and Republicans. Filmed live at the Arlington Drafth... Read More & Comments

President Obama found, refuses to come back 11/29/2011 8:01 PM Alyson Durden - President Obama was finally found after getting drunk and lost in the Australian outback recently in an Aboriginal settlement, not far from where he was last spotted. Chief of Staff Bill Daly tried to coach the President back to the motorcade, but after six hours o... Read More & Comments

Occupy movement splintering 11/29/2011 9:00 AM Floyd Harden - The Occupy movement, after taking center stage in America by focusing the national political conversation on the alarming gap between the rich and everyone else, has begun to splinter into several competing groups – each with its own agenda. While up to now the mo... Read More & Comments

Boehner asks Santa for new gifts as Barney Frank announces retirement 11/28/2011 3:12 PM Matt Rock - Speaker of the House John Boehner announced this afternoon that with the news of Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank's pending retirement in 2012, he “sort of wishes” he “made a few other wishes” when he submitted his Christmas list to Santa Claus this year.
... Read More & Comments

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